1 00:00:25,488 --> 00:00:26,703 We are fucked. 2 00:00:26,728 --> 00:00:30,116 - Very, very fucked. - Mmm. We'll be walking like cowboys 3 00:00:30,141 --> 00:00:32,214 for a week. That's how fucked we are. 4 00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:34,575 We're so fucked, fucked people will point at us and say, 5 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,378 "At least we're not as fucked as those fucking fucks." 6 00:00:39,843 --> 00:00:41,694 - What the hell happened? - I don't know. 7 00:00:41,719 --> 00:00:43,387 - We had a plan. - A good plan. 8 00:00:43,412 --> 00:00:45,126 - You had a tight ten. - Yes, I know. 9 00:00:45,151 --> 00:00:46,698 - You were gonna start with the... - And then I'd, 10 00:00:46,723 --> 00:00:48,746 - with the kid thing... - And then your... 11 00:00:48,919 --> 00:00:51,069 - those people that had you... - My parents. 12 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,388 - Yeah, the thing with their... - That was so funny. 13 00:00:53,413 --> 00:00:55,498 Ugh. Nice, tight ten. 14 00:00:56,130 --> 00:00:57,383 An airtight ten. 15 00:00:59,001 --> 00:01:00,756 Hey, the glass is empty. 16 00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,255 Just depends on how you look at it. 17 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,614 I'm looking at it with my eyes. It's fucking empty. 18 00:01:04,688 --> 00:01:07,566 Hey! My friend's glass is empty. 19 00:01:07,591 --> 00:01:08,789 Fuckin' empty. 20 00:01:08,814 --> 00:01:10,524 Make it full. We had a hard night. 21 00:01:10,549 --> 00:01:12,801 - Hey, we're fucked. - Eh, keep your shirt on. 22 00:01:12,850 --> 00:01:14,725 Hi, Susie. New hat? 23 00:01:14,812 --> 00:01:16,962 I don't have any money, Tracy. 24 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,041 Rats. Hey, I saw you. 25 00:01:19,066 --> 00:01:21,277 - Saw me what? - I saw you tonight. Wow, wild. 26 00:01:21,302 --> 00:01:23,287 Do you mind, Tracy? We're having a funeral here. 27 00:01:23,312 --> 00:01:25,599 Relax, Susie. I just wanted to say I dug you. 28 00:01:25,732 --> 00:01:27,892 - Truly. - Thank you. 29 00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:29,171 Susie, you got five bucks? 30 00:01:29,196 --> 00:01:31,157 No. What did I tell you? I got nothing. 31 00:01:31,182 --> 00:01:32,826 As of tonight, I got nothing, 32 00:01:32,851 --> 00:01:34,853 I have nowhere to go, and no one to be. 33 00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:36,213 Okay. What about you? 34 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,613 She's a loser, too. Beat it. 35 00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,448 Glad you enjoyed the show. 36 00:01:41,473 --> 00:01:42,598 Last one. 37 00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:44,342 Yeah, just try it. 38 00:01:47,547 --> 00:01:49,257 "You're dead in this business." 39 00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:52,127 It plays over and over in my head. 40 00:01:52,181 --> 00:01:55,139 - Maybe he didn't mean it. - Mmm. He meant it. 41 00:01:55,197 --> 00:01:57,286 He bared his teeth. I didn't even know he still had teeth. 42 00:01:57,313 --> 00:01:59,797 - Could've been false teeth. - They looked real. 43 00:01:59,822 --> 00:02:01,740 Aw, shit, we were so close. 44 00:02:01,765 --> 00:02:03,100 I'm sorry. 45 00:02:03,125 --> 00:02:05,934 "Fuck you, Sophie, put that on your plate." 46 00:02:06,188 --> 00:02:07,565 It's brilliant. 47 00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:12,284 It was funny, right? 48 00:02:12,309 --> 00:02:14,523 Yeah. It was really funny. 49 00:02:16,659 --> 00:02:18,911 And no one needs a good laugh 50 00:02:19,085 --> 00:02:21,916 like the truly, deeply fucked. 51 00:02:31,398 --> 00:02:32,895 Get up. 52 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,322 - Oh, boy. - I just had a thrilling conversation 53 00:02:35,347 --> 00:02:36,741 with that strange person 54 00:02:36,766 --> 00:02:39,394 who can't figure out what her name is. 55 00:02:39,866 --> 00:02:42,618 Make a new friend. I'm tired of this one. 56 00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,336 Miriam! 57 00:02:45,390 --> 00:02:47,392 Coming. 58 00:02:50,342 --> 00:02:52,177 Breakfast is being served in the dining room 59 00:02:52,202 --> 00:02:54,675 - when you're done with your call. - Okay. 60 00:02:58,501 --> 00:03:00,005 Hold on. 61 00:03:12,644 --> 00:03:13,744 Your fault. 62 00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:15,771 - What's my fault? - Too much drinking. 63 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,615 Too much drinking was because of you, missy. 64 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:21,216 - I don't feel good. - Ugh. I had to sleep on a diagonal, 65 00:03:21,241 --> 00:03:22,894 'cause the vertical made me want to throw up. 66 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:24,671 - Don't throw up. - I might throw up. 67 00:03:24,696 --> 00:03:26,536 - You can't throw up. - I'll probably throw up. 68 00:03:26,561 --> 00:03:28,241 If I hear you throw up, I'm gonna throw up, 69 00:03:28,266 --> 00:03:30,409 and I don't want to throw up, so close the door. 70 00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:32,228 - Close what door? - The bathroom door. 71 00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:34,631 - I don't have a bathroom door. - Then you can't throw up. 72 00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:36,115 - I'm not gonna throw up. - Good. 73 00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:38,119 Although you might when you hear this. 74 00:03:38,521 --> 00:03:40,131 - Hear what? - Well, apparently, 75 00:03:40,156 --> 00:03:42,241 there were some members of the press there last night. 76 00:03:42,266 --> 00:03:44,059 - No... - And a few of them caught your act 77 00:03:44,084 --> 00:03:45,160 and thought... 78 00:03:45,185 --> 00:03:47,271 - No... - "A career suicide set 79 00:03:47,296 --> 00:03:48,854 takes down an icon." 80 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:52,802 "Newcomer Amanda Gleason, don't bother learning the name," 81 00:03:52,827 --> 00:03:56,121 "mysteriously decides to skewer an American treasure," 82 00:03:56,146 --> 00:03:58,858 "Sophie Lennon, last night at the Gaslight Cafe." 83 00:03:58,945 --> 00:04:00,219 Who invited them? 84 00:04:00,244 --> 00:04:01,750 - I did. - Why? 85 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:04,403 'Cause I had no idea it was seppuku night at the Gaslight. 86 00:04:04,428 --> 00:04:06,535 "In a vicious, often hilarious, 87 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,636 "career-ending ten minutes, you wonder, 88 00:04:08,661 --> 00:04:12,206 "did Lennon steal Gleason's boyfriend?" The Daily News. 89 00:04:12,231 --> 00:04:13,524 Well, he said "hilarious." 90 00:04:13,549 --> 00:04:15,589 Did you hear all the other words around "hilarious"? 91 00:04:15,614 --> 00:04:16,928 - I did, but still... - The Post. 92 00:04:17,351 --> 00:04:18,800 "Put that on your plate." 93 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:21,090 - So? - So, underneath, there's a picture 94 00:04:21,115 --> 00:04:23,485 of your head on a plate and there's a fork in your head. 95 00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:24,946 - My picture? - Well, it's fuzzy, 96 00:04:24,971 --> 00:04:27,031 but they put the words "Amanda Gleason's head" 97 00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:28,970 underneath to help with any confusion. 98 00:04:28,995 --> 00:04:29,996 Did they say I was funny? 99 00:04:30,021 --> 00:04:31,455 Are you at all getting the theme here? 100 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,020 - Yes, but... - The Mirror. "The tradition of honor" 101 00:04:34,045 --> 00:04:36,407 "amongst thieves was tossed out the window last night 102 00:04:36,432 --> 00:04:39,727 "by Amanda Gleason, whose ridiculously bland name 103 00:04:39,752 --> 00:04:42,588 "is in direct contrast with the comedienne's crass, 104 00:04:42,613 --> 00:04:46,242 crude, sharp-witted attack of homespun hero Sophie Lennon." 105 00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:47,599 Okay, but they did say I was... 106 00:04:47,624 --> 00:04:49,162 "It reminds you of the power 107 00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:51,819 of words to build up and destroy." 108 00:04:51,844 --> 00:04:53,190 "Hope she has a lawyer. 109 00:04:53,215 --> 00:04:56,093 I sense a slander charge in her stocking for Christmas." 110 00:04:56,118 --> 00:04:57,604 I'm Jewish, shmuck. 111 00:04:57,629 --> 00:04:58,755 Yeah. 112 00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:00,158 There's a lot of Gleasons in the ghetto. 113 00:05:00,183 --> 00:05:01,445 What do we do now? 114 00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:04,271 Well... 115 00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:06,896 we still have those two shit gigs I got you 116 00:05:06,921 --> 00:05:08,423 before this mess happened. 117 00:05:08,448 --> 00:05:10,409 So, you do those gigs. 118 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,399 If you do well, you'll get two more shit gigs. 119 00:05:12,424 --> 00:05:15,450 And then those two shit gigs become four shit gigs. 120 00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,982 And then four shit gigs become six shit gigs. 121 00:05:19,216 --> 00:05:21,892 And then... 122 00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:23,958 Susie? 123 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,079 Susie? Are you there? 124 00:05:28,114 --> 00:05:29,596 Sorry. I had to throw up. 125 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,740 - Where was I? - Four shit gigs became six shit gigs. 126 00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,601 Yes. Eventually, people will forget what happened, 127 00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,890 - and we'll rebuild. - Okay, I have to go. 128 00:05:37,915 --> 00:05:40,000 I have my son's birthday party today. 129 00:05:40,025 --> 00:05:42,024 Ah, see, you already got another shit gig. 130 00:05:42,049 --> 00:05:44,157 - Bye. - Mm. 131 00:05:48,563 --> 00:05:50,107 There have been major internal discussions 132 00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:53,291 in nine additional countries outside the Iron Curtain. 133 00:05:53,316 --> 00:05:56,680 Now, how do they go about applying this political message? 134 00:05:56,705 --> 00:05:58,707 That it embraces many different aspects 135 00:05:58,732 --> 00:06:00,150 of our day-to-day living. 136 00:06:10,689 --> 00:06:12,741 ...I would like to say this: Confidence, by itself... 137 00:06:12,766 --> 00:06:13,923 Morning, Papa. 138 00:06:13,948 --> 00:06:15,363 Mm-hmm. 139 00:06:16,328 --> 00:06:19,512 Victory in this conflict depends on much, much more... 140 00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:20,657 Morning, Mama. 141 00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:22,780 There's eggs. We leave at noon. 142 00:06:27,237 --> 00:06:29,034 This was all different yesterday, right? 143 00:06:29,059 --> 00:06:31,367 - Hmm? - Never mind. 144 00:06:31,765 --> 00:06:34,643 And so's your mother. 145 00:06:35,298 --> 00:06:38,176 I'm sorry, I just, I just don't find you funny. 146 00:06:38,451 --> 00:06:40,831 I did it just like you told me. 147 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:43,069 It's not the same. 148 00:06:43,271 --> 00:06:45,023 Well, if you didn't have Randy laying on your lap, 149 00:06:45,048 --> 00:06:46,291 you could stop comparing us 150 00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:48,485 and move on. 151 00:06:48,636 --> 00:06:50,638 So, I was thinking that 152 00:06:50,663 --> 00:06:52,703 Ethan and Estelle could get married at the boathouse 153 00:06:52,728 --> 00:06:53,783 in Central Park. 154 00:06:53,808 --> 00:06:55,096 Oh, Imogene, we need to 155 00:06:55,121 --> 00:06:57,595 - get you in a bowling league. - Hi, Joel. 156 00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:59,747 Are you psychologically scarring our children? 157 00:06:59,772 --> 00:07:00,916 I am. 158 00:07:00,941 --> 00:07:02,273 But, since they're going to get married, 159 00:07:02,298 --> 00:07:03,657 they will have suffered the same trauma 160 00:07:03,682 --> 00:07:05,648 and will understand each other's nightmares completely. 161 00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:07,585 My God, this party is loud. 162 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,205 Thank you for talking Imogene into having it here 163 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,231 instead of our house. 164 00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:12,757 My pleasure, Archie. 165 00:07:12,782 --> 00:07:14,825 Oop, need a refill. 166 00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:21,697 So, I gather Ethan and Estelle are still getting married. 167 00:07:21,722 --> 00:07:23,307 At the Central Park Boathouse. 168 00:07:23,332 --> 00:07:24,792 Geez. 169 00:07:24,817 --> 00:07:26,002 That was Estelle. She's not hurt. 170 00:07:26,027 --> 00:07:27,595 That's not the hurt scream. She lost a doll. 171 00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:29,500 No. Someone took the doll. 172 00:07:29,525 --> 00:07:32,045 - Someone took the doll? - Find the doll. Find the doll. 173 00:07:33,771 --> 00:07:35,215 Imogene is amazing. 174 00:07:35,242 --> 00:07:36,785 Esther screams while I'm holding her, 175 00:07:36,826 --> 00:07:38,828 I'm still wondering where it's coming from. 176 00:07:39,082 --> 00:07:41,075 - So, what's going on here? - Where? 177 00:07:41,135 --> 00:07:43,346 The great mac and cheese massacre of 1958. 178 00:07:43,393 --> 00:07:45,145 - I'm hungry. - That's for the kids. 179 00:07:45,335 --> 00:07:47,225 I made it in a rush. This is quality control. 180 00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:48,334 This is hangover eating. 181 00:07:48,588 --> 00:07:50,257 Where'd you go last night? 182 00:07:50,421 --> 00:07:51,589 None of your business. 183 00:07:51,614 --> 00:07:53,254 I'll withdraw the question. 184 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:58,390 Hey, Joel, I'd like to talk to you about something. 185 00:07:58,431 --> 00:07:59,808 Away from people. 186 00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:01,452 If you get a chance. 187 00:08:01,545 --> 00:08:03,687 Well, other than planning my son's bachelor party, 188 00:08:03,728 --> 00:08:04,896 I'm pretty free. 189 00:08:04,938 --> 00:08:06,324 Good. 190 00:08:06,679 --> 00:08:09,849 Eat some of this so people won't look at me weird. 191 00:08:22,076 --> 00:08:23,733 Hey. 192 00:08:24,318 --> 00:08:26,104 Hair of the dog? 193 00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:28,105 Okay. 194 00:08:28,295 --> 00:08:30,005 I mean, I'm not hungover, 195 00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:31,172 but it is a party. 196 00:08:31,214 --> 00:08:32,865 Sure. 197 00:08:33,953 --> 00:08:35,788 One more. 198 00:08:35,844 --> 00:08:37,846 'Cause you're festive. 199 00:08:38,068 --> 00:08:39,347 Exactly. 200 00:08:40,724 --> 00:08:42,569 So, what did you want to talk about? 201 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,888 I was wondering if... 202 00:08:47,955 --> 00:08:52,460 it might be time to start talking about getting a divorce. 203 00:08:54,522 --> 00:08:55,690 Uh-huh. 204 00:08:56,498 --> 00:08:58,185 What do you think? 205 00:08:59,992 --> 00:09:02,411 Wow. Fast. 206 00:09:02,436 --> 00:09:04,480 I know. We can wait if you want. 207 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:07,682 It just seems as if maybe it's time 208 00:09:07,707 --> 00:09:10,584 to start getting on with our lives. 209 00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,922 Plus, the kids need to get used to a new arrangement. 210 00:09:12,964 --> 00:09:14,591 We need to make it normal for them. 211 00:09:14,632 --> 00:09:18,699 Well, I think I will do whatever you think is right. 212 00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,773 Okay. 213 00:09:23,436 --> 00:09:26,981 Then I think it's time. 214 00:09:29,856 --> 00:09:31,858 Just so you know, I'm doing really well at work. 215 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:33,651 - I know. - I'm up for a big promotion. 216 00:09:33,693 --> 00:09:34,861 - I know. - I'm gonna get it, 217 00:09:34,903 --> 00:09:36,760 - and it's gonna mean more money. - Okay. 218 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,877 And my father had nothing to do with it. 219 00:09:39,032 --> 00:09:40,492 He'd probably be against it 220 00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:42,213 since it would mean I'd be traveling a lot. 221 00:09:42,237 --> 00:09:44,055 - You would? How much? - But it would also mean that 222 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,360 I could take care of everything. 223 00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:46,810 How much would you be traveling, Joel? 224 00:09:46,835 --> 00:09:49,099 I could take care of you, of the kids. 225 00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:51,235 You won't have to worry. 226 00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:53,617 I promise, I got you covered. 227 00:10:06,768 --> 00:10:08,186 He still out? 228 00:10:08,228 --> 00:10:10,605 Are you kidding? He's been out since cake. 229 00:10:10,647 --> 00:10:12,690 The Maisel men and their sleep. 230 00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:15,151 Please. During the war, 231 00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,320 my father fell asleep in a foxhole 232 00:10:17,362 --> 00:10:19,270 and when he woke up, it was a beer garden. 233 00:10:19,295 --> 00:10:20,796 Sounds like Moishe. 234 00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:23,169 The oom-pah band is what finally woke him up. 235 00:10:28,849 --> 00:10:30,767 Need some help? 236 00:10:30,792 --> 00:10:32,460 Nope. I got it. 237 00:10:38,591 --> 00:10:39,717 Thanks. 238 00:10:58,319 --> 00:11:00,697 So, Ollie the elephant is out, huh? 239 00:11:00,738 --> 00:11:02,940 Yep. It happened last week. 240 00:11:03,022 --> 00:11:05,232 Friday morning Ollie was in, then by dinnertime, 241 00:11:05,257 --> 00:11:06,856 suddenly it was Louis the lion. 242 00:11:06,881 --> 00:11:08,346 Not sure what happened. 243 00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:09,769 Wow. 244 00:11:09,809 --> 00:11:12,937 Sorry, pal. Life is cold. 245 00:11:13,066 --> 00:11:14,901 Do you remember when we bought that for him? 246 00:11:15,316 --> 00:11:17,714 I believe it was to stop a whole lot of screaming. 247 00:11:17,755 --> 00:11:20,175 - Smallpox vaccination. - Yeah. 248 00:11:20,364 --> 00:11:23,449 He was never gonna be bought off by a lollipop alone. 249 00:11:24,263 --> 00:11:25,848 What are you doing? 250 00:11:25,873 --> 00:11:27,038 I'm eating. 251 00:11:27,063 --> 00:11:28,284 I can see. 252 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,693 Should I be timing you? 253 00:11:29,718 --> 00:11:31,181 There might be a prize in it or something. 254 00:11:31,206 --> 00:11:32,671 I'm just so hungry. 255 00:11:32,696 --> 00:11:33,803 That from the party? 256 00:11:33,828 --> 00:11:35,271 I made an extra tray. 257 00:11:35,296 --> 00:11:37,214 I should never cook while hungover. 258 00:11:37,565 --> 00:11:39,734 - Do you want some? - Uh... 259 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,069 Are Abe and Rose gonna be home any time soon? 260 00:11:42,094 --> 00:11:45,023 Papa's at a work gathering, Mama's with the garden club. 261 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:49,476 Nights are very quiet and very separate recently. 262 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,128 Come on. Sit. 263 00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,034 Okay. 264 00:11:54,809 --> 00:11:56,519 There any beer in the fridge? 265 00:11:56,653 --> 00:11:58,181 Look in the back. 266 00:11:58,296 --> 00:12:00,194 Mama doesn't like to look at beer. 267 00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:02,089 It makes her think of venereal disease. 268 00:12:06,468 --> 00:12:08,195 The party seemed successful. 269 00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,390 Only one kid shoved an acorn up his nose. 270 00:12:10,415 --> 00:12:12,061 - Mendel? - Yep. 271 00:12:12,086 --> 00:12:13,212 - Well, 272 00:12:13,253 --> 00:12:15,555 - when you got a talent... - Mm. 273 00:12:19,056 --> 00:12:20,933 I noticed the new dining room. 274 00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:22,616 Yep. 275 00:12:23,298 --> 00:12:25,342 You were not kidding. 276 00:12:27,017 --> 00:12:29,056 I hope this thing works itself out soon. 277 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,929 I hate to see my parents like this. 278 00:12:30,996 --> 00:12:32,089 It will. 279 00:12:32,114 --> 00:12:34,533 They'll realize it's a mistake to be apart. 280 00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:37,459 They will realize that they belong together, 281 00:12:37,541 --> 00:12:40,180 and they'll fix it before it's too late. 282 00:12:40,271 --> 00:12:42,565 Abe and Rose are very smart. 283 00:12:46,796 --> 00:12:48,449 Can I ask you something? 284 00:12:48,474 --> 00:12:49,811 You can ask me anything. 285 00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:52,003 Why are you still wearing your wedding ring? 286 00:12:52,203 --> 00:12:54,302 - I'm still married. - You were living with Penny. 287 00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:56,455 No, I'm not with Penny. That's over. 288 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,648 Well, you were. 289 00:12:57,673 --> 00:12:59,109 I never saw you without the ring. 290 00:12:59,134 --> 00:13:00,999 I never thought about taking it off. 291 00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:02,330 Never even occurred to me. 292 00:13:02,355 --> 00:13:04,240 That doesn't make sense. 293 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:08,538 Yeah. Nothing I've done has made any sense. 294 00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:12,496 This is better cold, by the way. 295 00:13:12,823 --> 00:13:15,309 Finish that. I'll get another. 296 00:13:45,696 --> 00:13:47,337 Joel, wait, I-I don't, I don't think... 297 00:13:47,396 --> 00:13:51,372 Please... don't think, Midge. 298 00:13:53,103 --> 00:13:54,621 Please. 299 00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:47,612 Mm... Look, Joel, there's something I have to tell you. 300 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,376 - No. I don't care. - You don't know what it is. 301 00:14:49,401 --> 00:14:50,753 - I don't care what it is. - But it's... 302 00:14:50,778 --> 00:14:52,528 If it's bad, I deserve it. 303 00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:54,252 I had it coming. It doesn't matter. 304 00:14:54,277 --> 00:14:55,363 Just let me kiss you again. 305 00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:57,641 This is really important. 306 00:14:58,059 --> 00:14:59,706 Okay. 307 00:15:00,343 --> 00:15:02,185 The whole time that we were together... 308 00:15:02,210 --> 00:15:04,546 And I mean dating and married... 309 00:15:06,348 --> 00:15:09,434 I'd unhook every other hook on my bra before we had sex. 310 00:15:10,147 --> 00:15:11,553 - You what? - Before we'd have sex, 311 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,919 I'd go into the bathroom and I'd unhook 312 00:15:12,944 --> 00:15:14,028 every other hook on my bra. 313 00:15:14,053 --> 00:15:15,539 A-And I didn't know tonight was gonna happen, 314 00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:18,577 so I-I didn't have a chance to do that. 315 00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:21,034 - Are you serious? - Yes. 316 00:15:21,059 --> 00:15:22,602 - You would unhook your own bra? - Partly. 317 00:15:22,627 --> 00:15:23,776 Just to give you a head start. 318 00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:25,476 - What did you think was gonna happen? - What? 319 00:15:25,501 --> 00:15:27,264 If I had to unhook the whole thing all by myself. 320 00:15:27,289 --> 00:15:28,429 What'd you think was gonna happen? 321 00:15:28,454 --> 00:15:29,734 You think I was gonna get bored? 322 00:15:29,827 --> 00:15:31,378 - I don't know. - You think halfway through 323 00:15:31,509 --> 00:15:33,105 I'd lose interest and go make a sandwich? 324 00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,138 Maybe. 325 00:15:36,092 --> 00:15:37,839 - You believe this? - I just wanted 326 00:15:37,864 --> 00:15:39,782 to make things easy for you. 327 00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:42,060 Yeah, well, some things are worth 328 00:15:42,085 --> 00:15:43,819 working a little harder for. 329 00:15:54,066 --> 00:15:56,193 Wow, you weren't kidding about this thing. 330 00:16:01,231 --> 00:16:03,343 Who the hell designed this, the Catholic Church? 331 00:16:08,002 --> 00:16:10,130 Ha! A conqueror! 332 00:16:15,354 --> 00:16:18,357 How long before the marks go away? 333 00:16:18,382 --> 00:16:20,398 They'll be gone by morning. 334 00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:22,811 Just in time to put the thing back on again. 335 00:16:23,088 --> 00:16:25,277 It's a vicious circle. 336 00:16:25,416 --> 00:16:26,876 Does it hurt? 337 00:16:26,939 --> 00:16:28,743 Not once your ribs go numb. 338 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,692 I don't know why I never noticed the marks before. 339 00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:38,285 I'd powder them so they weren't as red. 340 00:16:39,803 --> 00:16:41,754 Of course you did. 341 00:16:43,678 --> 00:16:45,396 You know... 342 00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:48,921 the last time we were in this bed... 343 00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:50,074 Mm-hmm? 344 00:16:50,099 --> 00:16:51,892 ...was the week before our wedding. 345 00:16:52,070 --> 00:16:53,913 That's right. 346 00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:58,191 I remember laying here thinking, 347 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:02,513 "In one week, I'll be married to Miriam Weissman, 348 00:17:02,668 --> 00:17:04,837 "the most beautiful girl in the world. 349 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:09,446 "And I'll have a wife, and we'll have our own home, 350 00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,108 "and we'll have two kids, 351 00:17:12,171 --> 00:17:15,759 "and I'll never, ever have to have sex 352 00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,245 in front of the Dionne quintuplets again." 353 00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:20,379 Best-laid plans. 354 00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:23,092 And now here we are. 355 00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:26,035 You're back in your parents' house, 356 00:17:26,073 --> 00:17:28,200 I'm back in mine. 357 00:17:28,294 --> 00:17:30,633 Very strange. 358 00:17:31,346 --> 00:17:33,273 - I've got a curfew. - You're kidding. 359 00:17:33,298 --> 00:17:35,095 - And chores. - Wow. 360 00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,261 - I have a job. - I heard about the job. 361 00:17:37,286 --> 00:17:38,754 Saving up for a TV set 362 00:17:38,989 --> 00:17:40,175 and some roller skates. 363 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,910 Well, I got some roller skates. 364 00:17:42,321 --> 00:17:44,082 They have Buck Rogers on them. 365 00:17:46,856 --> 00:17:48,316 Redd Foxx? What's this? 366 00:17:48,392 --> 00:17:50,352 That's called a party album. 367 00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,587 Sort of underground comedy. 368 00:17:52,612 --> 00:17:53,720 Why underground? 369 00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:55,722 I don't know. They're dirty, 370 00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:57,755 but really funny. 371 00:18:00,352 --> 00:18:02,153 "The Music Inn"? 372 00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,229 That's the place I got 'em. 373 00:18:04,254 --> 00:18:06,382 On 4th. Right near the Gaslight. 374 00:18:06,407 --> 00:18:08,607 - You'd love it. - Hanging out 375 00:18:08,632 --> 00:18:10,584 at record stores in the Village, 376 00:18:10,688 --> 00:18:13,161 working in a department store... 377 00:18:13,282 --> 00:18:15,847 Went to a protest in Washington Square Park. 378 00:18:16,055 --> 00:18:17,255 Do you know they want to put a road 379 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,468 right through the middle of the arch? 380 00:18:18,493 --> 00:18:19,908 - What for? - I don't know. 381 00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:21,777 Progress. 382 00:18:21,802 --> 00:18:25,082 Progress? Right. 383 00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:27,961 Progress. 384 00:18:28,003 --> 00:18:30,755 Things move on, I guess. 385 00:18:32,472 --> 00:18:35,851 How did I screw everything up so badly? 386 00:18:36,146 --> 00:18:38,232 I never said I'm sorry, did I? 387 00:18:38,346 --> 00:18:41,390 I don't know. Maybe. 388 00:18:41,428 --> 00:18:43,931 I should have come back on my knees that night. 389 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,612 Bought you flowers. 390 00:18:47,488 --> 00:18:48,906 I should have... 391 00:18:49,149 --> 00:18:51,818 Never should have left in the first place. 392 00:18:53,047 --> 00:18:55,493 You just have to understand... 393 00:18:56,228 --> 00:18:58,522 you are a lot, Midge. 394 00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:00,174 A lot of what? 395 00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,938 You meet a girl. 396 00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:09,970 Maybe she's pretty, 397 00:19:10,711 --> 00:19:12,792 maybe she's smart, 398 00:19:12,862 --> 00:19:14,985 maybe she's funny. 399 00:19:15,602 --> 00:19:18,271 Maybe your parents like her. 400 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:19,623 Maybe you get really lucky, 401 00:19:19,648 --> 00:19:22,168 and she's one or two of those things. 402 00:19:22,859 --> 00:19:25,153 I got 'em all. 403 00:19:25,661 --> 00:19:27,288 That's a lot. 404 00:19:28,694 --> 00:19:30,263 It wasn't enough, though. 405 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,988 It was. 406 00:19:32,456 --> 00:19:34,398 It was more than enough. 407 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,135 I fell in love with you 408 00:19:37,282 --> 00:19:39,785 the moment I asked you out, and you said no. 409 00:19:39,975 --> 00:19:41,351 A pointless "no." 410 00:19:41,493 --> 00:19:42,823 The first time I laid eyes on you, 411 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,086 that was it for me. 412 00:19:44,111 --> 00:19:45,838 Until you left. 413 00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:47,569 I never left. 414 00:19:48,466 --> 00:19:50,959 I don't know what I did, but... 415 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:53,218 I never really left. 416 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,768 Sure felt like you left. 417 00:20:01,196 --> 00:20:03,277 What can I do, Midge? 418 00:20:04,199 --> 00:20:06,302 What can I do to... 419 00:20:07,955 --> 00:20:09,773 I love you. 420 00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:13,090 Do you know that? 421 00:20:14,216 --> 00:20:16,528 Do you know that I love you? 422 00:20:19,035 --> 00:20:20,563 So, what happens now? 423 00:20:20,611 --> 00:20:22,363 What do you want to happen? 424 00:20:23,983 --> 00:20:26,675 Because whatever it is, I will do it. 425 00:20:26,883 --> 00:20:29,862 Just tell me what you want. 426 00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:36,475 I want your roller skates. 427 00:21:01,411 --> 00:21:02,662 - Oh, no. - What? 428 00:21:02,689 --> 00:21:04,482 Shh. We fell asleep. 429 00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:05,769 We weren't supposed to fall asleep. 430 00:21:05,794 --> 00:21:06,989 - I was... - Shh. 431 00:21:07,370 --> 00:21:08,521 That sounds like eggs. 432 00:21:08,546 --> 00:21:09,595 Does that sound like eggs? 433 00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:10,621 - It... - Shh. 434 00:21:10,741 --> 00:21:11,972 Morning, Zelda. 435 00:21:11,997 --> 00:21:13,385 I'm making eggs, Mrs. Weissman. 436 00:21:13,410 --> 00:21:15,325 See? Shit! Eggs. Shit! 437 00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:16,644 - Midge... - We fell asleep. 438 00:21:16,669 --> 00:21:18,075 I can't believe we fell asleep in my room. 439 00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:20,463 - So what? - There are poodles in here, Joel. 440 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:21,691 Dozens of 'em. 441 00:21:21,716 --> 00:21:23,443 We've had sex in your room before, Midge. 442 00:21:23,468 --> 00:21:25,053 Not since we've been married. 443 00:21:25,127 --> 00:21:26,295 Well, you got me there. 444 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,654 You have to go. 445 00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:30,575 Wait. What... What are you doing? 446 00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,144 I... this is not the way to make me go, 447 00:21:33,169 --> 00:21:34,337 in case there was a question. 448 00:21:34,362 --> 00:21:35,446 Get your clothes. 449 00:21:36,925 --> 00:21:38,635 You get your clothes, you leave, 450 00:21:38,777 --> 00:21:40,195 they'll never know. 451 00:21:40,236 --> 00:21:42,405 Oh, to have a camera right now. 452 00:21:43,038 --> 00:21:44,706 - Get dressed. - Midge, I... 453 00:21:44,731 --> 00:21:46,274 - You have to get dressed. - But I... 454 00:21:46,299 --> 00:21:47,926 You get dressed and climb out the window, 455 00:21:47,951 --> 00:21:49,160 just like you used to. 456 00:21:49,185 --> 00:21:50,869 Yes, good, climb out the window, 457 00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:51,909 go from the fire escape to the roof, 458 00:21:51,934 --> 00:21:53,346 and take the freight elevator back down. 459 00:21:53,371 --> 00:21:55,143 Will you stop? Will you just... 460 00:21:55,659 --> 00:21:57,125 You should try out for the Yankees. 461 00:21:57,238 --> 00:21:59,818 Shoes, belt, socks. 462 00:22:00,044 --> 00:22:02,475 Where are your socks? Where are your socks? 463 00:22:02,539 --> 00:22:04,791 Where are your socks? What'd you do with your socks? 464 00:22:05,053 --> 00:22:06,638 Oh, they're in your shoes. 465 00:22:06,807 --> 00:22:08,301 At some point last night you stopped to put your socks 466 00:22:08,326 --> 00:22:09,898 - in your shoes? - I didn't, I... 467 00:22:09,923 --> 00:22:11,665 Why are you slow? Were you always this slow? 468 00:22:11,690 --> 00:22:12,991 I haven't panic-dressed in a while. 469 00:22:13,016 --> 00:22:14,760 Go! You can finish outside. 470 00:22:14,836 --> 00:22:16,875 Okay, okay, calm down. I'm going. 471 00:22:17,222 --> 00:22:19,108 Oh, wait. 472 00:22:19,261 --> 00:22:20,700 I think I left my wallet in the kitchen. 473 00:22:20,725 --> 00:22:22,643 - Let me just, uh... - This isn't funny. 474 00:22:22,816 --> 00:22:25,895 Miriam? Are you up? 475 00:22:26,035 --> 00:22:27,245 If not, get up. 476 00:22:27,270 --> 00:22:28,869 I'm up. I'll be right there. 477 00:22:29,203 --> 00:22:31,295 - Joel, please, just... - I'm going. 478 00:22:31,818 --> 00:22:33,361 Geez, it's freezing. 479 00:22:33,562 --> 00:22:35,698 This window seemed bigger five years ago. 480 00:22:36,057 --> 00:22:37,315 No, no cheese. 481 00:22:37,402 --> 00:22:38,742 No cheese from now on, ever. 482 00:22:38,767 --> 00:22:40,602 - Hey. - What? 483 00:22:52,336 --> 00:22:54,213 Did you always look like this in the morning? 484 00:22:54,436 --> 00:22:56,269 You got to go. 485 00:23:01,519 --> 00:23:03,604 Morning, Mama. Morning, Zelda. 486 00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:06,158 My goodness, the coffee smells especially amazing today. 487 00:23:06,183 --> 00:23:09,240 You know those days when coffee just smells extra amazing? 488 00:23:09,414 --> 00:23:12,250 Yes, those are wonderful days. What are you wearing? 489 00:23:12,278 --> 00:23:14,363 This is a robe. 490 00:23:14,492 --> 00:23:16,971 Yes. I stand by my previous statement. 491 00:23:16,996 --> 00:23:19,477 Your face is a mess. Your hair is a mess. 492 00:23:19,502 --> 00:23:22,630 So it's a theme. No, I just, I-I had... 493 00:23:23,105 --> 00:23:25,019 I had a dream I was on a safari, 494 00:23:25,044 --> 00:23:27,082 and there was no place for me to get my hair done. 495 00:23:27,107 --> 00:23:28,894 And all my bags got lost, 496 00:23:28,919 --> 00:23:30,981 and a lion chased me and ate my purse. 497 00:23:31,006 --> 00:23:32,107 And when I woke up, I looked like this. 498 00:23:32,132 --> 00:23:36,091 So, that is the last time that I... dream. 499 00:23:38,776 --> 00:23:40,027 My room's a mess. 500 00:23:40,052 --> 00:23:42,263 Wouldn't want you to dock my allowance. 501 00:23:42,782 --> 00:23:44,242 Good morning, Papa. 502 00:23:44,267 --> 00:23:45,592 Want to hear about my safari dream? 503 00:23:45,617 --> 00:23:46,782 It's the reason I look like this. 504 00:23:46,807 --> 00:23:48,359 Like what? 505 00:23:48,503 --> 00:23:50,005 Coffee sure smells good, huh? 506 00:23:50,065 --> 00:23:51,410 - Smells like coffee. - Mm. 507 00:23:51,436 --> 00:23:52,695 Good morning, Zelda. 508 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:53,929 Good morning, Mr. Weissman. 509 00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,496 - Good morning, Ro... - I'll take my breakfast 510 00:23:55,521 --> 00:23:57,072 in the dining room, Zelda. 511 00:23:57,213 --> 00:23:59,340 Will you be joining Mrs. Weissman? 512 00:23:59,549 --> 00:24:01,645 In the dining room? 513 00:24:01,872 --> 00:24:04,749 No, I won't. 514 00:24:05,377 --> 00:24:07,169 Bye, Papa. 515 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,029 What? 516 00:24:10,344 --> 00:24:13,013 The coffee smells very good this morning. 517 00:24:16,851 --> 00:24:18,646 "Belter Chemical Company 518 00:24:18,671 --> 00:24:20,108 "of Pasadena, California 519 00:24:20,133 --> 00:24:22,267 specializes in Bakelite production." 520 00:24:22,292 --> 00:24:23,525 Got to speak up, Donny. 521 00:24:23,566 --> 00:24:26,110 "But their profits have seen a steady decline 522 00:24:26,152 --> 00:24:27,320 "ever since the war ended. 523 00:24:27,362 --> 00:24:28,738 "Not only is there no need 524 00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:30,416 - "for pilot goggles..." - Yada, yada, yada. 525 00:24:30,441 --> 00:24:32,564 You got to pace it up. You're boring the shit out of me. 526 00:24:32,589 --> 00:24:35,226 - Archie? - Hmm, what? Is Donny still talking? 527 00:24:35,251 --> 00:24:36,334 - Screw you, Archie. - Okay. 528 00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,378 Let's say Donny finishes and everyone's still conscious. 529 00:24:38,403 --> 00:24:40,403 - Thank you, thank you very much. - You'll step in 530 00:24:40,428 --> 00:24:42,147 with the Belter profit and loss records. 531 00:24:42,172 --> 00:24:43,710 Play up the bad, which means... 532 00:24:43,735 --> 00:24:46,258 We swoop in with a lowball offer that they will jump at! 533 00:24:46,283 --> 00:24:48,002 Hear that, Donny? It's called having a pulse. 534 00:24:48,027 --> 00:24:49,995 I'm being ganged up on here, Mrs. Moskowitz. 535 00:24:50,020 --> 00:24:51,212 Play nice, boys. 536 00:24:51,237 --> 00:24:53,182 Archie finishes, then I'll bring it home. 537 00:24:53,342 --> 00:24:55,642 There will be lots of figures, lots of fireworks. 538 00:24:55,681 --> 00:24:57,974 I'll throw around words like "phenolic resins." 539 00:24:57,999 --> 00:25:00,626 - Oh! -Oh! -Catalin, Faturan and Crystalate... 540 00:25:00,701 --> 00:25:02,531 I hear they're headlining at the Apollo next week. 541 00:25:02,556 --> 00:25:04,259 - Then I'll point to charts! - Charts! -Charts! 542 00:25:04,284 --> 00:25:05,524 - And graphs! - Graphs! -Graphs! 543 00:25:05,549 --> 00:25:06,991 I'll dazzle them with bullshit, 544 00:25:07,016 --> 00:25:09,337 and then we'll hand out some very nice color-coded binders, 545 00:25:09,362 --> 00:25:10,657 and as they all start to read, 546 00:25:10,682 --> 00:25:12,402 I'll sum up the presentation with the words, 547 00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:14,890 "The future is ours. And we will take it!" 548 00:25:14,923 --> 00:25:17,050 Well. 549 00:25:17,138 --> 00:25:18,347 We're ready, men. 550 00:25:18,372 --> 00:25:20,582 - Get a shave, press your suits. - Oh. 551 00:25:20,607 --> 00:25:23,334 I don't think Don should wear his grey suit. 552 00:25:23,459 --> 00:25:24,714 It makes him look tubby. 553 00:25:24,739 --> 00:25:26,379 Et tu, Mrs. Moskowitz? 554 00:25:26,404 --> 00:25:27,624 You heard her, Donny. 555 00:25:27,655 --> 00:25:28,821 - You're tubby in the grey. - Boy, 556 00:25:28,846 --> 00:25:29,893 are you in a good mood. 557 00:25:29,918 --> 00:25:31,968 He's been in a good mood all day. 558 00:25:31,993 --> 00:25:33,269 Something making you extra happy? 559 00:25:33,294 --> 00:25:35,029 Something you can share? Or pour? 560 00:25:35,054 --> 00:25:37,848 - Well, I wasn't gonna say anything. - About what? 561 00:25:38,224 --> 00:25:41,917 It's not a done deal yet, but it looks like maybe Midge and I 562 00:25:41,942 --> 00:25:43,646 - might give it another go. - You're kidding. 563 00:25:43,671 --> 00:25:45,989 Oh, thank God. Thank you, God. 564 00:25:46,014 --> 00:25:47,432 - Easy, boy. - You don't understand. 565 00:25:47,457 --> 00:25:49,474 You have no idea what it's been like with Imogene 566 00:25:49,499 --> 00:25:51,601 since the two of you split. She's gone crazy. 567 00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:53,662 Wasn't that long a trip, pal. I got news for you. 568 00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:55,580 She's obsessed with my every move. 569 00:25:55,605 --> 00:25:57,274 Where have I been, what am I doing? 570 00:25:57,299 --> 00:25:59,202 I spilled ketchup on my shirt one day, 571 00:25:59,227 --> 00:26:01,264 and she goes over to my secretary's apartment 572 00:26:01,289 --> 00:26:04,479 and compares all her lipstick color to the stain. 573 00:26:04,504 --> 00:26:05,819 - Ooh! - Can I tell her about Midge? 574 00:26:05,844 --> 00:26:07,164 Please, let me tell her. 575 00:26:07,189 --> 00:26:08,687 Not just yet, but soon. 576 00:26:08,998 --> 00:26:12,253 In the meantime, after work tonight, drinks are on me. 577 00:26:12,278 --> 00:26:14,030 - -Oh! - You, too, Mrs. Moskowitz! 578 00:26:14,091 --> 00:26:17,278 I can't wait to meet Mrs. Maisel. 579 00:26:17,321 --> 00:26:18,990 I bet she's a pretty wonderful girl. 580 00:26:19,098 --> 00:26:20,830 Oh, she is, Mrs. Moskowitz. 581 00:26:20,855 --> 00:26:23,399 She is at that. 582 00:26:36,072 --> 00:26:37,531 No. 583 00:26:37,673 --> 00:26:40,203 Hey, what's funnier, corned beef or pastrami? 584 00:26:40,228 --> 00:26:41,579 Pastrami. 585 00:26:41,621 --> 00:26:44,207 "Pastrami..." 586 00:26:44,248 --> 00:26:45,851 That is funnier. 587 00:26:45,935 --> 00:26:47,353 Thank you! 588 00:26:53,285 --> 00:26:55,787 I think maybe he could be the one. 589 00:26:55,856 --> 00:26:57,233 He doesn't have to be the one. 590 00:26:57,258 --> 00:26:59,207 He could just be the one right now. 591 00:26:59,232 --> 00:27:00,536 Where is he taking you? 592 00:27:00,561 --> 00:27:02,599 - The movies. - So lucky. 593 00:27:02,624 --> 00:27:03,835 What's your evening, Viv? 594 00:27:03,860 --> 00:27:05,812 I'm going to church with my family. 595 00:27:05,837 --> 00:27:09,802 The choir's great and the priest looks just like David Niven. 596 00:27:09,827 --> 00:27:10,995 Oh, dear. 597 00:27:11,082 --> 00:27:13,251 It's snowing. 598 00:27:13,392 --> 00:27:14,727 I love the snow. 599 00:27:14,752 --> 00:27:16,042 Don't you love the snow? 600 00:27:16,067 --> 00:27:17,273 I do love the snow. 601 00:27:17,298 --> 00:27:18,901 I think the snow is good luck. 602 00:27:18,926 --> 00:27:20,553 Depends on how far you have to walk. 603 00:27:20,581 --> 00:27:23,338 My wedding had a Russian winter wonderland theme. 604 00:27:23,363 --> 00:27:24,742 You know, like Doctor Zhivago. 605 00:27:24,767 --> 00:27:27,028 You had a medical themed wedding? That's really weird. 606 00:27:27,053 --> 00:27:29,686 Doctor Zhivago is a book. Don't make us look stupid. 607 00:27:29,711 --> 00:27:31,993 Everything was white, and there were trees painted 608 00:27:32,018 --> 00:27:33,474 like they were covered with snow. 609 00:27:33,499 --> 00:27:36,085 It was really, really beautiful. 610 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:37,579 What are you doing tonight, Midge? 611 00:27:37,686 --> 00:27:39,314 - Oh, I have plans. - Hmm. 612 00:27:39,339 --> 00:27:40,924 Is it something wonderful? 613 00:27:40,977 --> 00:27:43,062 It is. It is something wonderful. 614 00:27:43,111 --> 00:27:45,099 That's good. Because tonight, 615 00:27:45,184 --> 00:27:47,122 everyone should do something wonderful. 616 00:27:48,339 --> 00:27:50,470 - Bye, Midge. - Bye. 617 00:27:50,626 --> 00:27:52,920 Ho, ho, ho. 618 00:27:53,002 --> 00:27:54,922 Look, it's Santa. 619 00:28:06,410 --> 00:28:08,647 Four sailors stuck licking the lamp post. 620 00:28:08,747 --> 00:28:10,175 You got to hit "licking." I keep telling you, 621 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,968 it's not funny unless you hit "licking" right. 622 00:28:12,100 --> 00:28:13,767 Licking the lamp post. 623 00:28:14,007 --> 00:28:15,668 Licking the lamp post. 624 00:28:15,693 --> 00:28:17,650 Jesus, how long are we gonna be sitting here? 625 00:28:17,675 --> 00:28:19,051 You're supposed to go on at 8:00. 626 00:28:19,093 --> 00:28:21,572 When you said "shit gig," this is exactly what I pictured. 627 00:28:21,597 --> 00:28:23,849 Yeah, this place is pretty much the worst. 628 00:28:23,922 --> 00:28:26,348 Now, remember, the audience out there will be terrible. 629 00:28:26,381 --> 00:28:27,769 All right? They're gonna be drunk, 630 00:28:27,794 --> 00:28:29,195 horny and in no mood to laugh. 631 00:28:29,220 --> 00:28:30,913 There's pretty much no chance you're gonna win them over, 632 00:28:30,938 --> 00:28:32,291 even if you do show them your tits, 633 00:28:32,316 --> 00:28:34,694 'cause there's a lot of tits to look at in here. 634 00:28:35,910 --> 00:28:37,630 I'm sorry, was that the end of the pep talk? 635 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:38,751 Just keep going. 636 00:28:38,776 --> 00:28:40,397 No matter what they toss at you, keep going. 637 00:28:40,422 --> 00:28:42,897 - Okay. - Duck, you know, but keep going. 638 00:28:44,577 --> 00:28:46,913 - So, Susie. - Yes? 639 00:28:47,376 --> 00:28:49,212 - I'm gonna tell you something. - Okay. 640 00:28:49,237 --> 00:28:50,583 I'm just gonna say it, because I want you to hear it, 641 00:28:50,608 --> 00:28:52,208 and after I say it and after you hear it, 642 00:28:52,233 --> 00:28:53,833 we are not gonna discuss it again. 643 00:28:53,858 --> 00:28:55,255 I just want you to hear it, 644 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:56,586 because we are in business together, 645 00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:57,867 and we spend time together 646 00:28:57,892 --> 00:29:00,063 and it could come up occasionally. 647 00:29:00,191 --> 00:29:01,293 And I don't want to keep anything from you. 648 00:29:01,318 --> 00:29:02,629 But I don't want you to be surprised 649 00:29:02,654 --> 00:29:04,111 - if I accidentally... - What is this? 650 00:29:04,136 --> 00:29:05,448 The lost Hamlet monologue? 651 00:29:05,473 --> 00:29:06,619 Just say it, for Christ's sake. 652 00:29:06,644 --> 00:29:08,091 I spent the night with Joel. 653 00:29:08,867 --> 00:29:10,793 After Ethan's party, he spent the night. 654 00:29:10,886 --> 00:29:14,101 And we... spent the night. 655 00:29:14,357 --> 00:29:15,525 So there. 656 00:29:15,566 --> 00:29:17,060 I told you. You know it. 657 00:29:17,085 --> 00:29:19,103 We are not gonna talk about it again. 658 00:29:21,228 --> 00:29:22,960 Who's Joel? 659 00:29:23,624 --> 00:29:25,293 My husband. 660 00:29:25,993 --> 00:29:27,623 You slept with your husband? 661 00:29:27,648 --> 00:29:29,014 He was such an asshole. 662 00:29:29,041 --> 00:29:30,500 We are not gonna talk about it. 663 00:29:30,620 --> 00:29:31,846 Are you getting back together with him? 664 00:29:31,871 --> 00:29:33,815 I just thought I should tell you in case it came up... 665 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,001 In case what? 666 00:29:35,026 --> 00:29:36,387 We are not gonna talk about it. 667 00:29:36,412 --> 00:29:37,900 - You are, aren't you? - Not talking about it. 668 00:29:37,925 --> 00:29:39,604 - But... - Not talking about. 669 00:29:40,216 --> 00:29:41,968 - Susie Myerson! - Yeah. 670 00:29:43,141 --> 00:29:46,500 We'll continue not talking about it when I get back. 671 00:29:48,305 --> 00:29:50,099 You slept with your husband? 672 00:29:51,135 --> 00:29:52,242 Yes. 673 00:29:52,267 --> 00:29:54,995 Aren't you supposed to sleep with your husband? I'm confused. 674 00:29:55,020 --> 00:29:57,206 Well, we've been separated for a while, 675 00:29:57,231 --> 00:29:58,899 so it was, it was a little unexpected. 676 00:29:58,924 --> 00:30:01,295 Well, your boyfriend took it pretty well, considering. 677 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:02,868 Oh, Susie's not my boyfriend. 678 00:30:02,893 --> 00:30:04,131 She's my manager. 679 00:30:04,156 --> 00:30:05,700 Strippers got managers now? 680 00:30:05,741 --> 00:30:06,909 I-I'm not a stripper. 681 00:30:06,951 --> 00:30:08,862 - What are you? - I'm a comic. 682 00:30:08,887 --> 00:30:11,181 Ooh, tough way to make a living. 683 00:30:14,832 --> 00:30:16,250 Get your coat. 684 00:30:16,292 --> 00:30:18,497 - Why? - Just get it. Let's go. 685 00:30:18,625 --> 00:30:20,464 - Susie. - They canceled us, okay? 686 00:30:20,489 --> 00:30:21,982 - You happy? - What are you talking about, 687 00:30:22,007 --> 00:30:23,230 - "canceled"? - They just told me, 688 00:30:23,255 --> 00:30:25,309 they got someone else for your spot tonight. 689 00:30:25,395 --> 00:30:27,162 - Why? - Why do you think? 690 00:30:27,187 --> 00:30:28,522 Harry fucking Drake. 691 00:30:28,597 --> 00:30:30,224 Are you kidding? How did he even know 692 00:30:30,249 --> 00:30:31,460 about this stupid gig? 693 00:30:31,485 --> 00:30:33,988 - Oh, I told him. - Why? 694 00:30:34,013 --> 00:30:35,629 'Cause I'm the world's biggest idiot. 695 00:30:35,654 --> 00:30:37,539 And you can bet if he cost us this loser gig, 696 00:30:37,564 --> 00:30:39,507 he's probably gonna cost us the other loser gig, also. 697 00:30:39,532 --> 00:30:41,901 Well, they're blackballing Amanda Gleason, not me. 698 00:30:41,926 --> 00:30:44,545 I-I could change my name to Trudy Macintosh. 699 00:30:44,570 --> 00:30:46,119 Well, he knows my name, Trudy. 700 00:30:46,144 --> 00:30:48,855 And they're not dealing with me, and I'm your manager. Right? 701 00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:50,183 Yes. Of course. 702 00:30:50,208 --> 00:30:51,294 Right? 703 00:30:51,319 --> 00:30:53,443 Yes. Susie, please. We're a team. 704 00:30:53,468 --> 00:30:55,345 Okay. 705 00:30:55,561 --> 00:30:56,770 So what do we do now? 706 00:30:56,795 --> 00:30:57,963 I don't know. 707 00:30:57,988 --> 00:30:59,672 Shit, shit, shit. 708 00:30:59,884 --> 00:31:01,738 Cunt. 709 00:31:02,281 --> 00:31:04,241 It's a good thing you don't have a career anymore, 710 00:31:04,266 --> 00:31:05,519 'cause that loser husband of yours 711 00:31:05,544 --> 00:31:08,171 would never have let you do this anyway. 712 00:31:13,434 --> 00:31:15,811 I'll fly out of here, like a bird. 713 00:31:16,186 --> 00:31:18,525 Like a bird, like a bird. 714 00:31:18,602 --> 00:31:21,021 I'll run out of here, like a deer. 715 00:31:21,262 --> 00:31:23,576 Like a deer, like a deer. 716 00:31:23,608 --> 00:31:26,027 I'll swim out of here, like a fish. 717 00:31:26,241 --> 00:31:28,869 - Like a fish, like a fish. - Back table. 718 00:31:28,918 --> 00:31:31,099 I'll climb out of here, like an ape. 719 00:31:31,161 --> 00:31:33,916 - What's he doing here? - Fuck if I'm gonna ask. 720 00:31:34,067 --> 00:31:36,808 I'll slink out of here, like a snake. 721 00:31:36,847 --> 00:31:39,002 Like a snake, like a snake. 722 00:31:39,027 --> 00:31:41,640 - Hey boss, nice to... - Who the hell is Amanda Gleason? 723 00:31:41,708 --> 00:31:44,503 - Why? - Word is she's persona non grata. 724 00:31:44,545 --> 00:31:46,756 Harry Drake himself made the call. 725 00:31:46,984 --> 00:31:49,481 The last time I talked to Harry Drake was ten years ago, 726 00:31:49,506 --> 00:31:51,602 when the same whore gave us both the clap. 727 00:31:51,627 --> 00:31:53,027 - That's a nice story. - He's saying 728 00:31:53,052 --> 00:31:55,214 Amanda Gleason better not come within ten feet 729 00:31:55,239 --> 00:31:56,391 of the Gaslight. 730 00:31:56,416 --> 00:31:59,002 If she does, he'll make sure anyone who performs here 731 00:31:59,027 --> 00:32:01,145 will never work on the East Coast again. 732 00:32:01,170 --> 00:32:02,818 Look, Harry is a legendary drunk. 733 00:32:02,843 --> 00:32:04,833 And he's saying you screwed him over. 734 00:32:04,858 --> 00:32:06,161 Did you do that? 735 00:32:06,186 --> 00:32:07,466 At least I didn't give him the clap. 736 00:32:07,491 --> 00:32:09,125 Who is Amanda Gleason, Susie? 737 00:32:09,150 --> 00:32:11,389 - She's a comic I'm managing. - Well, see if you can 738 00:32:11,414 --> 00:32:12,654 manage to keep her out of here. 739 00:32:12,699 --> 00:32:13,924 - Eddie... - Don't book her, 740 00:32:13,949 --> 00:32:15,364 don't give her a slot. 741 00:32:15,389 --> 00:32:17,857 Don't let her use the john. Nothing. You got it? 742 00:32:17,882 --> 00:32:19,562 You'd feel different if you'd heard her act. 743 00:32:19,587 --> 00:32:21,088 Susie, listen to me. 744 00:32:21,271 --> 00:32:22,688 You've done a good job here 745 00:32:22,713 --> 00:32:26,091 with Baz off in the tundra, or wherever the hell he is. 746 00:32:26,116 --> 00:32:28,410 But I need you to stand down for a while. 747 00:32:28,868 --> 00:32:31,714 - What does that mean? - It means let Jackie run things. 748 00:32:31,855 --> 00:32:33,774 Let him put the lineups together. 749 00:32:34,003 --> 00:32:36,612 You stay away from anything having to do with the talent. 750 00:32:36,686 --> 00:32:38,370 - Then what am I supposed to do? - Run the door. 751 00:32:38,395 --> 00:32:39,963 I would rather clean gum off the floor. 752 00:32:39,988 --> 00:32:43,754 Sit your ass on that stool and take people's money. 753 00:32:43,779 --> 00:32:44,870 No fucking way. 754 00:32:44,895 --> 00:32:47,179 You want to take that sunny, people-pleasing attitude 755 00:32:47,204 --> 00:32:49,589 of yours and go look for another job? Go ahead. 756 00:32:49,614 --> 00:32:51,866 Rikers might be hiring. Okay. 757 00:32:52,047 --> 00:32:54,300 We're clear. I'm leaving. 758 00:32:54,808 --> 00:32:56,216 It's nice seeing you. 759 00:32:56,271 --> 00:32:58,606 Don't make me come down here again. 760 00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:00,997 - Snake. - Snake, 761 00:33:01,022 --> 00:33:02,899 snake, snake, snake. 762 00:33:02,965 --> 00:33:06,051 Snake. 763 00:33:18,724 --> 00:33:20,445 I've got five minutes for a toast, 764 00:33:20,470 --> 00:33:21,824 and then I'm on the clock. 765 00:33:21,888 --> 00:33:24,237 - Happy holidays. - Merry Christmas. 766 00:33:24,262 --> 00:33:26,163 Here's mud in your eye. 767 00:33:27,733 --> 00:33:30,026 Oh, my. Vivian mixed this, didn't she? 768 00:33:30,051 --> 00:33:32,035 - How'd you know? - Wild guess. 769 00:33:32,066 --> 00:33:33,356 Finger, please. 770 00:33:33,381 --> 00:33:34,549 Who gets the pretty gift? 771 00:33:34,574 --> 00:33:36,284 Harriet got a modeling job. 772 00:33:36,330 --> 00:33:37,843 In Paris. Could you die? 773 00:33:37,868 --> 00:33:39,403 Oh, that's wonderful. 774 00:33:39,428 --> 00:33:41,276 Christmas in Paris. 775 00:33:41,347 --> 00:33:43,057 With French guys. 776 00:33:43,082 --> 00:33:45,881 Here's to Charles Boyer! 777 00:33:46,283 --> 00:33:48,709 To Charles Boyer! 778 00:33:49,055 --> 00:33:50,890 How about we get Viv a little Christmas coffee 779 00:33:50,926 --> 00:33:52,324 before she goes back on the floor, 780 00:33:52,349 --> 00:33:54,037 so she doesn't start eating the lipsticks again. 781 00:33:54,062 --> 00:33:55,461 Will do. 782 00:33:55,486 --> 00:33:57,336 Oh, I forgot to ask about your date. 783 00:33:57,454 --> 00:33:59,790 Is he the one, or the one right now? 784 00:34:00,777 --> 00:34:02,935 Well, well, well. 785 00:34:02,976 --> 00:34:05,457 God bless us, everyone! 786 00:34:05,482 --> 00:34:08,026 - What's that mean? - It's the end of Christmas Carol. 787 00:34:08,224 --> 00:34:09,600 It's a book. 788 00:34:09,641 --> 00:34:11,851 Always with the books, geez. 789 00:34:30,504 --> 00:34:32,290 Congratulations, mademoiselle. 790 00:34:32,315 --> 00:34:34,190 - A Viv special? - A Viv special. 791 00:34:34,215 --> 00:34:35,550 I can smell it from here. 792 00:34:35,575 --> 00:34:37,413 I want postcards from Paris. 793 00:34:37,438 --> 00:34:38,565 Mais oui. 794 00:34:38,590 --> 00:34:39,675 Hey! 795 00:34:40,013 --> 00:34:41,438 Penny... What are you... 796 00:34:41,463 --> 00:34:43,507 I have been all over town looking for you. 797 00:34:43,532 --> 00:34:45,617 - Penny, I'm working right now. - Oh, I know. 798 00:34:45,713 --> 00:34:47,673 I know you're working because Joel said you worked 799 00:34:47,698 --> 00:34:48,829 in a department store. 800 00:34:48,854 --> 00:34:50,306 He just didn't say which one. 801 00:34:50,331 --> 00:34:52,328 So I went to all of them. 802 00:34:52,353 --> 00:34:54,606 I went to Saks. I went to Bergdorf's. 803 00:34:54,631 --> 00:34:56,842 I went to Macy's. I went to Gimbels. 804 00:34:56,867 --> 00:34:59,227 They're across the street from each other, so that was easy. 805 00:34:59,252 --> 00:35:00,413 I went to Lord and Taylor's. 806 00:35:00,438 --> 00:35:02,010 I went to Bendel's, even though I thought, 807 00:35:02,035 --> 00:35:03,095 "She wouldn't shop at Bendel's," 808 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,220 but it's not really about 809 00:35:04,245 --> 00:35:05,591 where you would shop, is it? 810 00:35:05,616 --> 00:35:07,478 - Not really. Look, can we... - I almost gave up. 811 00:35:07,503 --> 00:35:10,286 But I decided, "No, I'll give it one more try." 812 00:35:10,311 --> 00:35:12,313 And I came here, and here you are. 813 00:35:12,338 --> 00:35:15,216 - Yes. Look... - I know all about you and Joel. 814 00:35:15,241 --> 00:35:17,026 I know that you spent the night together. 815 00:35:17,051 --> 00:35:19,232 And I think that's rotten. It's mean 816 00:35:19,257 --> 00:35:20,671 and it's spiteful and vindictive 817 00:35:20,696 --> 00:35:22,256 and I don't understand why you'd do it. 818 00:35:22,281 --> 00:35:24,161 Wow. Where's a fainting couch when you need one? 819 00:35:24,186 --> 00:35:25,394 Joel and I were happy. 820 00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:26,907 - Oh, boy. - I made him happy. 821 00:35:26,932 --> 00:35:28,682 - He moved out, Penny. - Not really. 822 00:35:28,707 --> 00:35:30,292 - Are his things there? - There's socks. 823 00:35:30,403 --> 00:35:32,395 Socks? Or just a sock? 824 00:35:32,542 --> 00:35:34,043 He moved out. You broke up. 825 00:35:34,124 --> 00:35:35,501 No. We did not break up. 826 00:35:35,629 --> 00:35:37,366 Joel never said the words, "We broke up." 827 00:35:37,391 --> 00:35:39,266 - What words did he say? - Other words. 828 00:35:39,291 --> 00:35:41,291 Other words that basically amount to "we broke up"? 829 00:35:41,316 --> 00:35:42,620 I was good for him. 830 00:35:42,645 --> 00:35:45,063 Better for him than you were. He relaxed around me. 831 00:35:45,088 --> 00:35:46,926 He'd come home at night and fall right to sleep. 832 00:35:46,951 --> 00:35:48,619 Boy, you are making it way too easy. 833 00:35:48,644 --> 00:35:49,996 If you had just let go, if you had just... 834 00:35:50,021 --> 00:35:51,617 He never took off his wedding ring. 835 00:35:51,642 --> 00:35:53,013 You didn't think that was strange? 836 00:35:53,038 --> 00:35:55,415 The stress of everything made his fingers swell. 837 00:35:56,127 --> 00:35:59,306 Penny, you don't really believe that, do you? 838 00:36:01,952 --> 00:36:03,787 He would've forgotten you. 839 00:36:03,835 --> 00:36:06,754 You just did something. 840 00:36:07,431 --> 00:36:09,186 You need to go. 841 00:36:09,528 --> 00:36:12,149 You did sleep together, didn't you? 842 00:36:12,663 --> 00:36:14,809 - Yes. - Tramp! 843 00:36:14,979 --> 00:36:16,633 That's what I went to seven different 844 00:36:16,658 --> 00:36:17,951 department stores to say! 845 00:36:17,976 --> 00:36:20,300 You are a tramp! 846 00:36:23,344 --> 00:36:25,262 We need to have a talk. 847 00:36:25,287 --> 00:36:27,372 Bring your handbook. 848 00:36:35,706 --> 00:36:36,748 What do you do? 849 00:36:36,773 --> 00:36:38,108 Spoken word with tambourine. 850 00:36:38,346 --> 00:36:40,098 Your parents must be thrilled. 851 00:36:40,140 --> 00:36:42,110 Okay. 8:30. 852 00:36:42,352 --> 00:36:43,590 Can I get some change? 853 00:36:43,641 --> 00:36:45,101 Fuck off. 854 00:36:45,126 --> 00:36:47,616 Oh, yeah. Singles okay? 855 00:36:47,641 --> 00:36:48,638 What do you do? 856 00:36:48,663 --> 00:36:50,623 Carter Family covers. 857 00:36:50,746 --> 00:36:52,004 11:30. 858 00:36:52,029 --> 00:36:53,968 How'd you get Imogene to let you come out with me tonight? 859 00:36:53,993 --> 00:36:55,859 I explained this is a big deal for you. 860 00:36:55,884 --> 00:36:57,678 You needed your second by your side. 861 00:36:57,703 --> 00:36:59,330 So if I bomb, you're going up? 862 00:36:59,355 --> 00:37:00,715 Nope. You bomb, I look the other way. 863 00:37:00,740 --> 00:37:02,261 Never met you. 864 00:37:04,324 --> 00:37:05,613 Hi, there. 865 00:37:05,638 --> 00:37:07,448 - Remember me? - No. 866 00:37:07,473 --> 00:37:09,314 - I'm the one with the brisket. - No. 867 00:37:09,339 --> 00:37:10,847 Actually, my wife would bring the brisket, 868 00:37:10,872 --> 00:37:13,266 but it was for me to get me a spot. 869 00:37:13,457 --> 00:37:16,295 So, how about I owe you a brisket and you give me a spot? 870 00:37:16,550 --> 00:37:17,583 No. 871 00:37:17,608 --> 00:37:20,537 Okay. Hey, that is a great blouse. 872 00:37:20,562 --> 00:37:21,766 Barking up the wrong tree, pal. 873 00:37:21,791 --> 00:37:23,939 Right. Look, I'd really love a spot. 874 00:37:24,119 --> 00:37:25,662 Anything you could do? 875 00:37:25,871 --> 00:37:27,429 I don't give out the spots anymore. 876 00:37:27,454 --> 00:37:28,709 Got to talk to him. 877 00:37:28,734 --> 00:37:29,855 Tell him he's got a nice ass. 878 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:31,549 That usually works. 879 00:37:32,091 --> 00:37:34,844 Okay, thanks. 880 00:37:35,315 --> 00:37:36,499 Hi. 881 00:37:36,524 --> 00:37:38,367 I'm a comedian. I'd like a slot tonight. 882 00:37:38,392 --> 00:37:39,820 Sorry, pal. All full. 883 00:37:39,980 --> 00:37:41,507 You sure? 884 00:37:41,532 --> 00:37:45,828 Just gave the last one to that guy or that guy. 885 00:37:45,971 --> 00:37:48,682 I don't know. One of those guys got the last slot. 886 00:37:48,707 --> 00:37:51,355 What if I come back tonight just in case someone drops out? 887 00:37:51,506 --> 00:37:53,788 That's a pretty fucking stupid idea. 888 00:37:53,927 --> 00:37:55,767 Okay. Then I'll try again tomorrow. 889 00:37:55,882 --> 00:37:57,634 And the next day, and the day after that 890 00:37:57,659 --> 00:37:59,285 because I am going to get a slot 891 00:37:59,505 --> 00:38:01,730 and I am going to get back up on that stage. 892 00:38:01,755 --> 00:38:03,132 Cue the orchestra. 893 00:38:03,157 --> 00:38:06,119 What do I care? Come back whenever you want. 894 00:38:06,203 --> 00:38:07,422 Let's go, Arch. 895 00:38:07,447 --> 00:38:08,975 Mr. Persistency. 896 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:10,381 This is what Midge wanted. 897 00:38:10,406 --> 00:38:11,742 She wanted me to be a comedian 898 00:38:11,767 --> 00:38:13,475 and I just didn't try hard enough. 899 00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:15,461 So, now, I do this for Midge 900 00:38:15,486 --> 00:38:18,948 because from now on, she gets everything she wants. 901 00:38:22,222 --> 00:38:23,640 Papa? 902 00:38:33,318 --> 00:38:35,525 - Papa? - Yes? 903 00:38:37,902 --> 00:38:39,236 What are you doing? 904 00:38:39,324 --> 00:38:41,201 Alphabetizing my books. 905 00:38:41,789 --> 00:38:43,643 Can I talk to you for a moment? 906 00:38:43,687 --> 00:38:45,536 Okay. 907 00:38:45,836 --> 00:38:48,045 Are you... y-you're gonna do it from there? 908 00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:50,322 I think that's what we're looking at, yes. 909 00:38:50,424 --> 00:38:52,009 Okay. 910 00:38:52,537 --> 00:38:57,098 Well, I just wanted to tell you that Joel and I 911 00:38:57,123 --> 00:38:59,038 might be getting back together. 912 00:39:00,643 --> 00:39:02,578 Are you kidding me? 913 00:39:03,838 --> 00:39:06,844 After what you put your mother and me through, 914 00:39:06,894 --> 00:39:09,809 you have the nerve to come in here and tell me 915 00:39:09,834 --> 00:39:11,749 you're getting back together? 916 00:39:11,774 --> 00:39:14,062 - I... - She's not speaking to me. 917 00:39:14,146 --> 00:39:16,391 She took my study. Look at me. 918 00:39:16,531 --> 00:39:19,117 Look at what I have to do every single day 919 00:39:19,142 --> 00:39:20,976 because you wouldn't let Joel come back! 920 00:39:21,001 --> 00:39:22,693 - I'm sorry. - No! 921 00:39:22,718 --> 00:39:25,345 - "No" what? - No, I forbid it. 922 00:39:25,370 --> 00:39:28,126 You forbid me to get back together with my husband? 923 00:39:28,151 --> 00:39:30,041 Yes, I forbid it. 924 00:39:30,122 --> 00:39:33,276 You have laid waste to everyone 925 00:39:33,301 --> 00:39:35,311 and everything around you. 926 00:39:35,336 --> 00:39:36,879 It's been like a typhoon. 927 00:39:36,904 --> 00:39:39,641 The Red Cross should start handing out blankets. 928 00:39:39,666 --> 00:39:41,585 You have ruined everybody's life 929 00:39:41,707 --> 00:39:44,423 and now that there's no more havoc to wreak, 930 00:39:44,528 --> 00:39:46,208 you want to get back together 931 00:39:46,233 --> 00:39:48,986 and be happy. No. 932 00:39:49,028 --> 00:39:53,199 You don't get to be happy until I can get to my piano! 933 00:39:53,306 --> 00:39:55,558 Papa, I am so sorry. 934 00:39:55,583 --> 00:39:58,470 I really am. I-I didn't mean for any of this to happen. 935 00:39:58,495 --> 00:40:00,630 I didn't mean to upset your lives. 936 00:40:00,655 --> 00:40:02,057 Ugh. 937 00:40:02,102 --> 00:40:05,145 I've just missed him so much. 938 00:40:06,226 --> 00:40:08,008 I miss being married. 939 00:40:08,173 --> 00:40:11,212 I miss having someone to laugh with, 940 00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:14,496 someone next to me at night. 941 00:40:15,298 --> 00:40:17,059 Are you sure? 942 00:40:19,298 --> 00:40:21,217 I love him. 943 00:40:21,748 --> 00:40:23,268 Goddamn it! 944 00:40:23,305 --> 00:40:27,476 Goddamn it! Goddamn it! I'm fine. 945 00:40:28,604 --> 00:40:29,964 Oy. 946 00:40:29,989 --> 00:40:33,201 And I thought your teenage years were a problem. 947 00:40:33,338 --> 00:40:35,376 Well, look on the bright side. 948 00:40:35,584 --> 00:40:36,752 Still might not happen. 949 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,926 Don't tease. 950 00:40:39,010 --> 00:40:43,029 I'm a different person now than when he left. 951 00:40:43,845 --> 00:40:45,639 He might not like the new me. 952 00:40:47,234 --> 00:40:49,094 People change. 953 00:40:51,124 --> 00:40:54,669 You know who your mother was when I first met her? 954 00:40:55,364 --> 00:40:59,034 She had just come back from France. 955 00:40:59,182 --> 00:41:02,121 She smoked cigarettes. 956 00:41:02,816 --> 00:41:05,277 She wore a beret. 957 00:41:05,773 --> 00:41:07,573 - She ate. - Stop. 958 00:41:07,598 --> 00:41:10,781 I once shared an entire chocolate cake with her. 959 00:41:11,804 --> 00:41:14,275 That was a great night. 960 00:41:14,994 --> 00:41:18,933 But now... she's different. 961 00:41:19,972 --> 00:41:21,349 She changed. 962 00:41:21,374 --> 00:41:23,835 Ah, I'm sure I changed. 963 00:41:23,939 --> 00:41:27,473 I'm not as limber as I once was, that's for sure. 964 00:41:28,494 --> 00:41:30,646 But I still love her. 965 00:41:31,942 --> 00:41:34,205 Change... 966 00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:37,496 part of marriage. 967 00:41:39,735 --> 00:41:41,571 - If he loves you... - He does. 968 00:41:41,596 --> 00:41:43,598 If he loves you, 969 00:41:44,249 --> 00:41:46,750 and you can forgive... 970 00:41:49,587 --> 00:41:51,573 ah, who the hell knows? 971 00:41:52,123 --> 00:41:53,970 Just, please... 972 00:41:54,112 --> 00:41:59,684 please, don't tell your mother unless you're very, very sure. 973 00:41:59,854 --> 00:42:02,190 - Okay. - Because if I come home 974 00:42:02,332 --> 00:42:05,409 and she's moved me into the kids' room... 975 00:42:06,186 --> 00:42:08,772 - I'll have to kill you. - I understand. 976 00:42:08,887 --> 00:42:12,891 I'll feel bad about it, but it will happen. 977 00:42:20,466 --> 00:42:22,706 - You need a hand? - No. 978 00:42:22,938 --> 00:42:25,921 Not sure which way I want to go. 979 00:42:27,803 --> 00:42:29,480 If you need me, just holler. 980 00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:31,132 Mm-hmm. 981 00:42:31,590 --> 00:42:33,217 Yeah, definitely. 982 00:42:33,242 --> 00:42:34,981 Ha, this is it. 983 00:42:35,006 --> 00:42:37,342 Wow. This place ever new? 984 00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:38,780 Doubt it. 985 00:42:38,883 --> 00:42:40,217 Hey. 986 00:42:40,359 --> 00:42:41,860 Maybe I should take up an instrument. 987 00:42:41,885 --> 00:42:43,633 We could have an act, take it on the road. 988 00:42:43,658 --> 00:42:45,224 Wait, hear that? 989 00:42:45,666 --> 00:42:48,466 I think that was Imogene passing out somewhere. 990 00:42:48,967 --> 00:42:50,847 Hey, I'm looking for party albums. 991 00:42:50,872 --> 00:42:53,464 Uh, downstairs, but don't touch anything without gloves on. 992 00:42:53,489 --> 00:42:55,325 Is that to protect the records or me? 993 00:42:57,093 --> 00:42:58,419 Oy, tough crowd. 994 00:42:58,535 --> 00:43:00,431 - Let's go downstairs. - Play it again. 995 00:43:00,456 --> 00:43:03,031 - I swear I know her. - Okay, here you go. 996 00:43:03,109 --> 00:43:04,750 MIDGE : I gave him kids. 997 00:43:04,775 --> 00:43:06,211 A boy and a girl. 998 00:43:06,236 --> 00:43:07,954 And, yes, our little girl is looking more and more 999 00:43:07,979 --> 00:43:09,680 like Winston Churchill every day. 1000 00:43:09,774 --> 00:43:12,773 - -You know, with that big Yalta head? 1001 00:43:12,798 --> 00:43:13,932 But that's not a reason to leave, right? 1002 00:43:13,957 --> 00:43:15,118 That's Barbra Mellon. 1003 00:43:15,143 --> 00:43:17,103 No, it's not. I asked her. 1004 00:43:17,781 --> 00:43:19,184 Walk of shame. 1005 00:43:19,209 --> 00:43:21,899 Walk of shame. 1006 00:43:22,586 --> 00:43:26,006 I loved him and I showed him... 1007 00:43:26,296 --> 00:43:27,745 I love this part. 1008 00:43:27,770 --> 00:43:28,980 All that shit they say 1009 00:43:29,005 --> 00:43:30,783 about Jewish girls in the bedroom? 1010 00:43:30,808 --> 00:43:33,192 Not true. There are French whores 1011 00:43:33,217 --> 00:43:35,325 standing around the Marais District saying, 1012 00:43:35,799 --> 00:43:37,698 "Did you hear what Midge did to..." 1013 00:43:37,723 --> 00:43:38,974 What the hell is this? 1014 00:43:38,999 --> 00:43:40,338 It's not for sale. 1015 00:43:46,571 --> 00:43:47,864 Hey. 1016 00:43:53,274 --> 00:43:54,857 - Joel. - Not now, Archie. 1017 00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:56,103 What the hell was that? 1018 00:43:56,128 --> 00:43:58,839 It's just... I just... 1019 00:44:04,494 --> 00:44:06,896 Belter is located just seven miles 1020 00:44:06,921 --> 00:44:09,006 from the California Institute of Technology, 1021 00:44:09,031 --> 00:44:12,764 which gives us the opportunity to recruit the expertise 1022 00:44:12,789 --> 00:44:15,454 at CalTech to overhaul its current production methods. 1023 00:44:15,496 --> 00:44:17,706 My growing expertise 1024 00:44:17,731 --> 00:44:20,132 in corporate organizational structure, 1025 00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:24,369 coupled with my newfound passion for-for, uh... 1026 00:44:36,528 --> 00:44:38,112 I quit. 1027 00:44:41,396 --> 00:44:42,872 What? 1028 00:44:50,831 --> 00:44:53,376 Oh, you got to be kidding me. Jesus Christ. 1029 00:44:53,531 --> 00:44:54,991 - Hey, Lenny. - It's you? 1030 00:44:55,107 --> 00:44:56,660 I'm sorry. They wouldn't let me in without paying. 1031 00:44:56,685 --> 00:44:58,469 Yes, that's how a business usually operates. 1032 00:44:58,494 --> 00:44:59,499 Look, I had to talk to you. 1033 00:44:59,524 --> 00:45:01,407 Don't you ever send a message to anyone saying, 1034 00:45:01,432 --> 00:45:02,456 "Your drug dealer is outside." 1035 00:45:02,481 --> 00:45:04,340 That could go wrong in so many ways. 1036 00:45:04,372 --> 00:45:05,917 - Have you heard about this? - What? 1037 00:45:05,942 --> 00:45:07,136 Look. 1038 00:45:08,133 --> 00:45:09,301 Sophie Lennon? 1039 00:45:09,326 --> 00:45:10,662 Yes, yes, I heard. 1040 00:45:10,687 --> 00:45:11,813 I rejoiced. 1041 00:45:11,838 --> 00:45:13,035 Sophie Lennon's a hack. 1042 00:45:13,060 --> 00:45:14,263 Plus, she owes me money. 1043 00:45:14,288 --> 00:45:16,215 I wrote some jokes for her. Never paid me. 1044 00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:17,800 Good jokes, too, but she said her audience 1045 00:45:17,825 --> 00:45:19,412 doesn't know the word "cunnilingus." 1046 00:45:19,437 --> 00:45:20,560 Yeah, well, because of that show, 1047 00:45:20,585 --> 00:45:22,025 Amanda Gleason has been blackballed. 1048 00:45:22,050 --> 00:45:23,277 Who's Amanda Gleason? 1049 00:45:23,302 --> 00:45:24,782 She's the comic who took down Lennon. 1050 00:45:24,807 --> 00:45:26,495 Amanda Gleason is a terrible name. 1051 00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:28,155 I know. She knows. We all know. 1052 00:45:28,180 --> 00:45:29,260 The name's not the problem. 1053 00:45:29,285 --> 00:45:30,714 - What's the problem? - The problem is 1054 00:45:30,739 --> 00:45:32,678 she's been blackballed. She can't get a gig anywhere 1055 00:45:32,703 --> 00:45:34,407 and I've been blackballed along with her. 1056 00:45:34,432 --> 00:45:36,580 - You understand "blackballed"? - I understand blackballed. 1057 00:45:36,684 --> 00:45:38,244 - So... - It's terrible. 1058 00:45:38,269 --> 00:45:40,354 What do you want from me? 1059 00:45:40,379 --> 00:45:42,589 I need you to do a show at the Gaslight. 1060 00:45:42,896 --> 00:45:44,715 I don't do basket houses anymore. 1061 00:45:44,740 --> 00:45:46,054 I wear big boy pants now. 1062 00:45:46,079 --> 00:45:47,845 Just do this as a favor to me? 1063 00:45:47,870 --> 00:45:49,997 For you? I don't owe you anything. 1064 00:45:50,260 --> 00:45:51,700 Now, if you really were my dealer... 1065 00:45:51,725 --> 00:45:53,305 Fine. Don't do it for me. 1066 00:45:53,386 --> 00:45:54,483 Do it for Midge. 1067 00:45:54,508 --> 00:45:56,002 - Midge? - Yeah. 1068 00:45:56,053 --> 00:45:57,613 Midge. 1069 00:45:58,494 --> 00:46:00,120 Oh, Midge. 1070 00:46:00,902 --> 00:46:02,614 Well, well, well. 1071 00:46:02,962 --> 00:46:05,548 All hail the Upper West Side. 1072 00:46:06,205 --> 00:46:07,521 So? 1073 00:47:01,511 --> 00:47:02,658 You're up next. 1074 00:47:02,683 --> 00:47:04,769 - These are your relatives? - Mine? No. 1075 00:47:04,831 --> 00:47:07,209 They're definitely not mine. I don't think. 1076 00:47:07,591 --> 00:47:09,509 Maybe they're the cousins from Florida or... 1077 00:47:09,751 --> 00:47:11,614 I have some family in Ottawa, but... 1078 00:47:12,106 --> 00:47:14,559 Holy shit, who the hell are these people? 1079 00:47:14,584 --> 00:47:16,618 - They're chorus boys. - They're what? 1080 00:47:16,643 --> 00:47:17,786 Chorus boys. Dancers. 1081 00:47:17,811 --> 00:47:19,646 I... what? 1082 00:47:20,138 --> 00:47:21,945 I wanted to make sure there were great dancers at our wedding, 1083 00:47:21,970 --> 00:47:24,225 so I hired some chorus boys from Pajama Game to come and dance. 1084 00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,734 Two of them did "Steam Heat." 1085 00:47:26,022 --> 00:47:27,732 Notice the great hat work. 1086 00:47:27,854 --> 00:47:30,857 I'm sorry. You hired ringers to dance at our wedding? 1087 00:47:31,111 --> 00:47:32,489 Yes. 1088 00:47:32,527 --> 00:47:34,487 - Okay, come on. - Wait, where are we going? 1089 00:47:34,512 --> 00:47:35,679 To find the rabbi. 1090 00:47:35,752 --> 00:47:37,712 I'm marrying you all over again. 1091 00:47:42,011 --> 00:47:43,490 Ooh, that's good. 1092 00:47:43,531 --> 00:47:45,051 Someone should do something with that. 1093 00:47:45,076 --> 00:47:46,994 Keep moving. 1094 00:47:47,389 --> 00:47:50,851 Rabbi, is the chuppah still up? 1095 00:48:35,707 --> 00:48:36,841 All right, ankle. 1096 00:48:36,866 --> 00:48:38,451 Eight. 1097 00:48:38,681 --> 00:48:41,851 Left ankle, eight. 1098 00:48:42,173 --> 00:48:45,502 Right calf, 11. 1099 00:48:45,759 --> 00:48:49,459 Left calf, 11. 1100 00:48:49,783 --> 00:48:52,820 Yeah. Still got it. 1101 00:49:00,786 --> 00:49:01,980 Hello? 1102 00:49:02,005 --> 00:49:04,341 Blue, green... green? 1103 00:49:04,366 --> 00:49:06,882 Not green. Did green. Felt green. 1104 00:49:07,195 --> 00:49:09,406 Oh, red. No. Pink. Crap. 1105 00:49:09,431 --> 00:49:11,668 Take a breath. Never stress dress, Midge. 1106 00:49:11,693 --> 00:49:13,438 - Never stress dress. - Miriam? 1107 00:49:17,864 --> 00:49:20,867 I don't suppose you'd like to go with me to the beauty parlor? 1108 00:49:21,269 --> 00:49:22,977 I'd love to. 1109 00:49:23,016 --> 00:49:24,890 - But, you can't? - Not right now. 1110 00:49:24,915 --> 00:49:26,750 Well, I wasn't talking about right now. 1111 00:49:26,788 --> 00:49:28,334 - Oh. - It's night right now. 1112 00:49:28,409 --> 00:49:30,536 - Yes. - I was talking about some other time. 1113 00:49:30,561 --> 00:49:32,144 Some other time would work. 1114 00:49:33,445 --> 00:49:35,906 So, where are you going? 1115 00:49:39,991 --> 00:49:41,826 You're not gonna tell me, are you? 1116 00:49:43,712 --> 00:49:46,364 Or, if you do, you're just going to lie. 1117 00:49:50,479 --> 00:49:53,968 So, it's all different now, isn't it? 1118 00:50:00,923 --> 00:50:02,257 Mama. 1119 00:50:06,626 --> 00:50:08,878 I'm still your daughter. 1120 00:50:13,100 --> 00:50:15,770 That dress needs pearls. 1121 00:50:41,272 --> 00:50:42,690 Excuse me, coming through. 1122 00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:44,593 Hey. Whoa. 1123 00:50:44,655 --> 00:50:47,055 Seriously, the amount of time it takes you to get anywhere... 1124 00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:48,680 - What's going on here? - Doesn't matter. 1125 00:50:48,729 --> 00:50:50,186 - You got your book? - Got the book. 1126 00:50:50,268 --> 00:50:51,849 I need you to be great tonight. 1127 00:50:51,874 --> 00:50:54,168 No pressure, but I need you to be perfect tonight. 1128 00:50:54,642 --> 00:50:56,477 No pressure, but if ever there was a night 1129 00:50:56,502 --> 00:50:57,963 that everything in the world depends on how great 1130 00:50:57,988 --> 00:50:59,600 and perfect you are, it's tonight. 1131 00:50:59,625 --> 00:51:00,978 - No pressure. - Pressure, yeah, I got it. 1132 00:51:01,003 --> 00:51:02,272 Thanks for taking the pressure off. 1133 00:51:02,297 --> 00:51:04,149 - I thought I wasn't allowed back here. - You're not. 1134 00:51:04,174 --> 00:51:05,665 I thought you weren't allowed to give me stage time. 1135 00:51:05,690 --> 00:51:07,273 - I'm not. - Then what the hell is going... 1136 00:51:07,298 --> 00:51:09,909 Jesus, you giving out free cars tonight or what? 1137 00:51:09,934 --> 00:51:11,143 This is all for you, asshole. 1138 00:51:11,168 --> 00:51:12,836 Hello, Amanda Gleason. 1139 00:51:12,984 --> 00:51:14,990 What are you doing? What is going on here? 1140 00:51:15,078 --> 00:51:17,116 I am doing what is unheard of in this business. 1141 00:51:17,141 --> 00:51:18,351 It's called a very nice thing. 1142 00:51:18,397 --> 00:51:19,731 Oh, well, then, thank you. 1143 00:51:19,756 --> 00:51:21,174 Thank Susie. She set this up. 1144 00:51:21,559 --> 00:51:22,870 Are you going on like that? 1145 00:51:22,895 --> 00:51:25,105 Thank you. What? No. 1146 00:51:25,149 --> 00:51:26,501 Is there gonna be a snowstorm in here? 1147 00:51:26,526 --> 00:51:28,412 - No. - You keepin' it clean for the Hasids? 1148 00:51:28,437 --> 00:51:30,299 It's coming off. It's coming off. 1149 00:51:41,384 --> 00:51:42,518 Susie... 1150 00:51:42,543 --> 00:51:44,648 She did. She shoved a paper in my face... 1151 00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:57,679 Okay. 1152 00:51:57,704 --> 00:52:00,505 So, I'm going up there to do a set, for nothing. 1153 00:52:00,614 --> 00:52:02,987 I'm going to say, "Hello, blah, blah, blah," 1154 00:52:03,012 --> 00:52:04,738 and then I'm gonna hand the mic off to you. 1155 00:52:04,763 --> 00:52:06,610 The only thing I ask... No, demand... 1156 00:52:06,635 --> 00:52:08,837 I am not introducing you as Amanda Gleason. 1157 00:52:08,862 --> 00:52:10,293 You've got to find a better fucking name. 1158 00:52:10,318 --> 00:52:12,376 - Way ahead of you. - Okay. You ready? 1159 00:52:12,448 --> 00:52:14,575 - I... - Sure you are. 1160 00:52:15,451 --> 00:52:17,163 How did you do this? 1161 00:52:17,381 --> 00:52:19,216 Lots of perverted sex acts. 1162 00:52:19,241 --> 00:52:20,993 I'll have skinned knees for a month. 1163 00:52:22,742 --> 00:52:24,248 Wow. 1164 00:52:24,645 --> 00:52:25,929 Good look? 1165 00:52:25,954 --> 00:52:27,384 The look. 1166 00:52:27,409 --> 00:52:29,022 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, 1167 00:52:29,047 --> 00:52:31,301 I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, 1168 00:52:31,326 --> 00:52:32,734 but here I go. 1169 00:52:32,759 --> 00:52:35,653 Welcome to the stage, Lenny Bruce! 1170 00:52:46,532 --> 00:52:47,726 Good evening, 1171 00:52:47,751 --> 00:52:49,837 ladies, gentlemen, 1172 00:52:50,139 --> 00:52:51,567 and all the undecided. 1173 00:52:52,743 --> 00:52:54,120 I'm your host for the evening. 1174 00:52:54,248 --> 00:52:56,542 Now, I have promised the powers that be 1175 00:52:56,567 --> 00:52:59,278 that I will perform my little dog and pony show 1176 00:52:59,303 --> 00:53:01,305 for all you fine people, but, 1177 00:53:01,330 --> 00:53:03,678 before I do, I have a favor to ask. 1178 00:53:04,033 --> 00:53:07,319 I have a friend who's been going through some of the same shit 1179 00:53:07,344 --> 00:53:08,929 that I've gone through lately, 1180 00:53:08,954 --> 00:53:10,813 and I don't want to get on a rant here, 1181 00:53:10,838 --> 00:53:12,423 but Stalin would be very proud. 1182 00:53:13,957 --> 00:53:16,485 So, indulge me, because 1183 00:53:16,510 --> 00:53:18,498 I think she's going to be very big 1184 00:53:18,523 --> 00:53:21,158 and she's a hell of a lot easier on the eyes than I am. 1185 00:53:21,183 --> 00:53:23,757 Please welcome to the stage, a very classy lady, 1186 00:53:24,011 --> 00:53:25,959 my friend... 1187 00:53:25,990 --> 00:53:28,826 I'm actually gonna let her introduce herself to you. 1188 00:53:28,851 --> 00:53:30,620 Okay. Get up here. 1189 00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:33,743 Susie... 1190 00:53:33,768 --> 00:53:35,937 Go show 'em how it's done. 1191 00:53:36,583 --> 00:53:38,965 All right, yeah! 1192 00:53:39,290 --> 00:53:41,709 Thank you. Hi! 1193 00:53:41,771 --> 00:53:43,397 Thank you. 1194 00:53:43,422 --> 00:53:45,422 Wow, so nice, considering you thought you were here 1195 00:53:45,447 --> 00:53:47,276 to see Lenny Bruce, and instead, you have to listen to me 1196 00:53:47,301 --> 00:53:48,751 for a while. 1197 00:53:48,964 --> 00:53:52,342 I promise to insult the Pope and read you my court documents 1198 00:53:52,367 --> 00:53:54,744 before the evening is over. 1199 00:53:54,796 --> 00:53:59,050 So, let's see, what can I talk about? 1200 00:53:59,199 --> 00:54:01,284 Going through a pretty dull time in my life. 1201 00:54:01,826 --> 00:54:05,658 Oh! My husband's girlfriend attacked me at work yesterday. 1202 00:54:05,683 --> 00:54:08,924 - -You know what that's like, huh, ladies? 1203 00:54:09,055 --> 00:54:11,516 Really? No one? 1204 00:54:11,584 --> 00:54:13,712 Oh, good, then you'll love this. 1205 00:54:13,737 --> 00:54:16,806 So, my husband left me three months ago 1206 00:54:16,831 --> 00:54:18,591 for his teenage secretary. 1207 00:54:18,616 --> 00:54:21,118 However, the other night he came home... 1208 00:54:21,143 --> 00:54:22,937 for some clean underwear and a fuck. 1209 00:54:25,035 --> 00:54:26,411 Actually, just for the underwear. 1210 00:54:26,436 --> 00:54:28,120 I threw in the fuck for free. 1211 00:54:28,596 --> 00:54:32,065 Anyhow, Lolita found out and, boy, was she steamed. 1212 00:54:32,143 --> 00:54:35,063 She couldn't believe I'd have the nerve 1213 00:54:35,144 --> 00:54:37,480 to sleep with my husband. 1214 00:54:37,789 --> 00:54:39,114 She thought that was mean. 1215 00:54:39,139 --> 00:54:41,694 And vindictive. And she has a point. 1216 00:54:41,746 --> 00:54:44,575 After all, she has a teddy bear he won for her at Coney Island. 1217 00:54:45,079 --> 00:54:47,355 All I've got is a wedding ring 1218 00:54:47,405 --> 00:54:49,115 and two kids who called him "Daddy." 1219 00:54:49,838 --> 00:54:52,097 Who cares if I was there first, this girl 1220 00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,237 put a lot of work into luring him away. 1221 00:54:54,262 --> 00:54:55,972 I mean, she had to... 1222 00:54:56,059 --> 00:55:00,105 have a vagina. 1223 00:55:00,266 --> 00:55:03,536 Pretty low bar. But pretty high vagina. 1224 00:55:03,578 --> 00:55:04,954 She's tall. 1225 00:55:04,979 --> 00:55:07,773 And dumb. I mean, she's pretty, 1226 00:55:07,798 --> 00:55:09,235 but I'm pretty sure NASA doesn't have her 1227 00:55:09,260 --> 00:55:10,785 on its short list for job openings. 1228 00:55:10,918 --> 00:55:14,129 Anyhow, yesterday she drags her giant vagina into my work 1229 00:55:14,338 --> 00:55:15,714 and starts yelling at me. 1230 00:55:15,739 --> 00:55:18,033 And after a while, I start yelling back. 1231 00:55:18,112 --> 00:55:19,613 And she's saying, "You stole him," 1232 00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:21,067 and I'm saying, "I was there first." 1233 00:55:21,092 --> 00:55:22,593 And she says, "I was there second," 1234 00:55:22,618 --> 00:55:24,243 and I say, "That's a very immature argument," 1235 00:55:24,268 --> 00:55:26,079 and she says, "Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" 1236 00:55:26,104 --> 00:55:27,732 And I say, "No," and she says, "You're sure?" 1237 00:55:27,757 --> 00:55:29,047 And I say, "Do you have vanilla creams?" 1238 00:55:29,072 --> 00:55:30,908 And she says, "No," and I said, "You bitch!" 1239 00:55:33,821 --> 00:55:35,143 And everyone in the store is staring, 1240 00:55:35,168 --> 00:55:38,171 and I'm starting to wonder, who's right here? 1241 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:41,021 I mean, was it really fair to lure Joel back 1242 00:55:41,046 --> 00:55:42,756 with the promise of coherent conversation 1243 00:55:42,781 --> 00:55:44,617 and unlimited clean jockey shorts? 1244 00:55:44,642 --> 00:55:46,436 I just assumed I had that right. 1245 00:55:46,461 --> 00:55:50,007 I really thought you find a guy, you give it up, you get married. 1246 00:55:50,285 --> 00:55:52,621 Oh, no, wait. You get married, then you give it up. 1247 00:55:52,724 --> 00:55:55,185 Get married, then give it up. I got to write that down. 1248 00:55:55,212 --> 00:55:58,549 Anyhow, my point is, with the ring came the sex. 1249 00:55:58,574 --> 00:56:00,058 Exclusive sex. 1250 00:56:00,083 --> 00:56:02,085 Right? Something to count on. 1251 00:56:02,291 --> 00:56:04,252 Something you know is yours. 1252 00:56:04,406 --> 00:56:07,400 Like a social security number 1253 00:56:07,810 --> 00:56:10,563 or a family history of insanity. 1254 00:56:11,783 --> 00:56:13,320 But apparently, it's not. 1255 00:56:13,345 --> 00:56:15,306 He left. She took him. 1256 00:56:15,382 --> 00:56:18,302 Did I relinquish my rights when he walked out the door? 1257 00:56:18,358 --> 00:56:19,705 Is that how it works? 1258 00:56:19,730 --> 00:56:21,523 Now, did it always work that way 1259 00:56:21,548 --> 00:56:23,425 and I just didn't read the fine print? 1260 00:56:23,608 --> 00:56:25,193 What are the fucking rules? 1261 00:56:25,218 --> 00:56:28,263 I mean, not the fucking rules, the "fucking" rules. 1262 00:56:28,388 --> 00:56:30,306 Who gets first "fucking" rights? 1263 00:56:30,513 --> 00:56:31,850 Hey. 1264 00:56:31,875 --> 00:56:33,335 Is it first come, first serve? 1265 00:56:33,620 --> 00:56:35,154 - Finders keepers... - Hey! 1266 00:56:35,179 --> 00:56:36,858 - ...losers eventually go blind? - How did you get in 1267 00:56:36,883 --> 00:56:39,630 - without paying? - So, this is you, huh? 1268 00:56:39,705 --> 00:56:41,958 - What? - That! 1269 00:56:42,492 --> 00:56:44,060 You got her into this, right? 1270 00:56:44,085 --> 00:56:45,712 Got her to go up there like that? 1271 00:56:45,737 --> 00:56:48,254 Got her to stand up there and talk about our life. 1272 00:56:48,389 --> 00:56:50,602 - Hey, she says what she wants. - Talk about me. 1273 00:56:50,627 --> 00:56:52,129 She must just find you amusing. 1274 00:56:52,154 --> 00:56:54,004 I know I find you completely ridiculous. 1275 00:56:54,029 --> 00:56:55,630 You don't give a shit what you're doing. 1276 00:56:55,655 --> 00:56:56,763 I'm not doing anything. 1277 00:56:56,788 --> 00:56:58,875 You're breaking up a family! 1278 00:56:59,480 --> 00:57:01,315 That's the mother of my children up there 1279 00:57:01,340 --> 00:57:03,768 talking trash about me in front of a bunch of strangers. 1280 00:57:03,843 --> 00:57:05,674 Well, you got to admit, it's better than her talking trash 1281 00:57:05,699 --> 00:57:07,619 about you in front of a bunch of people you know. 1282 00:57:07,644 --> 00:57:08,995 Are you happy? 1283 00:57:09,020 --> 00:57:10,485 Are you happy that you've ruined my life? 1284 00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,686 Hey, I didn't fuck my secretary. That was you! 1285 00:57:12,711 --> 00:57:14,271 You don't know anything about me. 1286 00:57:14,296 --> 00:57:16,055 Oh, buddy, I know so much more than you think. 1287 00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:17,508 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 1288 00:57:17,533 --> 00:57:20,494 You are ripped right out of a bullshit male catalogue. 1289 00:57:20,629 --> 00:57:22,881 King of the mansion, spoiled brat. 1290 00:57:22,906 --> 00:57:24,973 Who do you go home to, huh? 1291 00:57:24,998 --> 00:57:26,625 What do you know about having a family? 1292 00:57:26,650 --> 00:57:28,718 Nothing! And thank God. 1293 00:57:28,743 --> 00:57:31,288 'Cause if I had to go home to you, I'd set the house on fire. 1294 00:57:31,313 --> 00:57:33,482 - Fuck you! - No, fuck you, Sal Mineo! 1295 00:57:33,507 --> 00:57:35,050 Get the hell away from me. 1296 00:57:35,075 --> 00:57:37,106 Midge has a path now, a career. 1297 00:57:37,131 --> 00:57:39,717 And she's gonna be a star and you are just gonna be that guy 1298 00:57:39,742 --> 00:57:41,529 sitting at some loser bar every night 1299 00:57:41,554 --> 00:57:43,139 pointing to the television set saying, 1300 00:57:43,187 --> 00:57:45,440 "I used to be married to her, but I fucking blew it!" 1301 00:57:45,574 --> 00:57:47,243 Wing it. 1302 00:57:47,268 --> 00:57:49,450 And how come men seem to get a completely different 1303 00:57:49,475 --> 00:57:51,060 - set of rules to follow? - Hey! 1304 00:57:51,297 --> 00:57:54,175 Hey, go home and clean the kitchen! 1305 00:57:54,290 --> 00:57:55,795 Oh, sir, I'm Jewish. 1306 00:57:55,820 --> 00:57:58,615 I pay people to do that. 1307 00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:00,519 Women aren't funny. 1308 00:58:00,544 --> 00:58:02,379 Your wife must have a sense of humor. 1309 00:58:02,452 --> 00:58:03,828 She's seen you naked. 1310 00:58:05,876 --> 00:58:07,854 I'm sorry. I thought we were truth telling. 1311 00:58:07,879 --> 00:58:09,211 You're a dumb bitch. 1312 00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:13,449 Oh, who told you? 1313 00:58:15,464 --> 00:58:18,801 What can I say? All the good men are taken, ladies. 1314 00:58:22,979 --> 00:58:24,628 Now, where were we? 1315 00:58:28,647 --> 00:58:30,607 Uptown or downtown, boys? Where are we goin'? 1316 00:58:30,738 --> 00:58:32,842 Hey, asshole! 1317 00:58:32,867 --> 00:58:34,945 Oh, so you answer to asshole, asshole? 1318 00:58:34,970 --> 00:58:36,847 What's your problem? 1319 00:58:38,241 --> 00:58:39,367 Whoa, hey! Hey! 1320 00:58:39,489 --> 00:58:41,754 - Hey, what are you doing? - Get off! 1321 00:58:42,187 --> 00:58:44,055 - Come on! - What the hell are you doing? 1322 00:58:44,080 --> 00:58:45,506 Hey, buddy, you're gonna kill him. 1323 00:58:45,531 --> 00:58:47,285 Get out of here! 1324 00:58:50,111 --> 00:58:52,733 - Are you crazy?! - Come on. 1325 00:58:53,371 --> 00:58:54,786 She's good! 1326 00:58:55,138 --> 00:58:57,052 She's fucking good! 1327 00:58:57,748 --> 00:58:59,291 Hey, get out of here! 1328 00:58:59,395 --> 00:59:01,063 Keep walking. 1329 00:59:04,519 --> 00:59:06,549 She's good. 1330 00:59:09,653 --> 00:59:11,363 She's good. 1331 00:59:16,327 --> 00:59:18,308 But if we didn't have our husbands, 1332 00:59:18,337 --> 00:59:20,840 what would we have to talk about? 1333 00:59:21,021 --> 00:59:23,177 You have been a great audience, ladies and gentlemen. 1334 00:59:23,202 --> 00:59:24,437 That's it for me. 1335 00:59:24,462 --> 00:59:26,255 My name is Mrs. Maisel. 1336 00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:28,260 Thank you and good night! 1337 00:59:35,083 --> 00:59:40,083 synced and corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com